Helping someone with depression

   I have a good friend who has depression  , this depression is almost to be expected TBH considering the trauma they has been through 
        Recently they have been immersing themself in social activities , and good friends have really pulled together here , which is nice , but I have always had this hunch that this may not be "the best" thing in the long run , and it may be evading issues rather than dealing with them. 
         They have started getting counselling now , which is good  IMO ,   But I want to be sure that my  "I'm here if you need me , anc I'll keep an eye on you , but won't push things "  approach is correct , or if I should be taking more of a pro-active approach in support,   i.e. , "come on , we're going to go and do this / that ... "

    Any thoughts  / experiences ? 
         

Unfortunately it's a very personal thing and there is no one size fits all. For me it'd be reassuring to know that there would be somebody prepared to go do things with at times, but it's a fine line between it being too forced or being natural.

I think it's very important that they are getting help - be it from a counsellor or GP. Assuming that they are clincally depressed and can't "snap out of it" as people like to say it's important to get out of routines that aren't good for them. If they don't go out because they are depressed, or hate their job, or have people in their life who aren't good for them then IME it's good to chance that. If they would benefit from working out, or getting a hobby, or even something as simple as going out to the cinema every fortnight, or getting into a new TV show with a mate these are all positive things.

For me i find that it's takes time for something to kick in - it's a lot easier now that the medication is doing it's job - but i rarely feel the effects from having had a good night out or a nice day being productive.

That you are caring about it in a positive way is a huge start. It could even help that you say some of this to your friend.

Pat on the back for being a good mate though Dr.Z

I have found from experiance you cannot pull someone out of a hole.

they have to find the ladder themselves and then try and climb out.

acceptance and recovery

my missus suffers from depression and it hit a real bad point at the turn of the year when 4-5 things hit all at once.
She no longer had the emotional and mental currency to deal with all the demands that suddenly came her way.

I couldn't solve these problems for her and once the self-pity party was over she accepted what was going on and found ways to overcome it.

Cbt and talking helps a lot but on their terms only.

Thanks folks , sort of confirms my own thoughts TBH 

   The thing is , we are talking about the death of a long term spouse , so I think is unrealistic for them to snap out of it ,  As I say , I think a level of depression is almost to be expected, and it it wouldn't be realistic to expect them to return to "normal" even with correct treatment etc ?
          
     Thanks for the replies

Incredible Bulk


I have found from experiance you cannot pull someone out of a hole.

x 2 but they can pull you in to one, I don't like people who are depressed.

Nothing against someone who is depressed but don't expect me to be hanging around with them if they are gonna moan all day.... If someone is depressed deep down but lives a normal life im not too bothered and will help pick them up etc, but if someone is 'properly' depressed then i steer WELL clear as they drag others down. Im an extremely positive person and negative thoughts are not what i need in my head.

In reality though Blue i think people who are depressed don't moan all day.

Those are just arseholes

Blue_Lagoon3000

Incredible Bulk


I have found from experiance you cannot pull someone out of a hole.

x 2 but they can pull you in to one, I don't like people who are depressed.

Nothing against someone who is depressed but don't expect me to be hanging around with them if they are gonna moan all day.... If someone is depressed deep down but lives a normal life im not too bothered and will help pick them up etc, but if someone is 'properly' depressed then i steer WELL clear as they drag others down. Im an extremely positive person and negative thoughts are not what i need in my head.

How nice that you will help your friends if it suits you..............a friend in need...........

Some info below DR Z if they have suffered a tramatic event as you stated.

http://changingminds.or...ler_ross/kubler_ross.htm

Blue_Lagoon3000

Incredible Bulk


I have found from experiance you cannot pull someone out of a hole.

x 2 but they can pull you in to one, I don't like people who are depressed.

Nothing against someone who is depressed but don't expect me to be hanging around with them if they are gonna moan all day.... If someone is depressed deep down but lives a normal life im not too bothered and will help pick them up etc, but if someone is 'properly' depressed then i steer WELL clear as they drag others down. Im an extremely positive person and negative thoughts are not what i need in my head.

Agree 100%
 
Ive never hidden my thoughts on depression...
The vast majority of the 'cases' of depression need to man up, or get off the sick and try and get a job...
Edit...
That wasnt helpful so, be positive and try to change the misery of the person. Positive attitude ftw!

Don't get me wrong Dr Z if a good friend was in need i would do ANYTHING to help them, remember that one a while ago when a good friend was hooked on Meth Codine and was taking up to 24 tabs a day? Well after lies/deception/banging head on a brick wall i managed to help her.

What i mean is that depressed people wont be on my 'to make friends with' list, im the type of guy that wakes up happy and goes to bed happy.... Some people who look like their world is falling apart actually insult me.

An example, my great Uncle (nannas brother) is the biggest marter i have EVER met, he's 70 all he does is work and help others he is a very nice man, very nice indeed. BUT whenever i see him he looks like he is going to burst in to tears (all because 40 years ago the woman he loved moved abroad) Never been right since and just plods along heartbroken 40 years later and looks like his world is falling apart 24/7.

I said one day, BILL WHAT THE FCUK IS WRONG WITH YOU?? cant you just mellow the fcuk out??? He looked really upset and said there is nothing wrong i have my life and i do what i do. I was ffs Bill we all love you just need to enjoy yourself and get out more.

Really frustrating, people like him scare me.

Red Man

Blue_Lagoon3000

Incredible Bulk


I have found from experiance you cannot pull someone out of a hole.

x 2 but they can pull you in to one, I don't like people who are depressed.

Nothing against someone who is depressed but don't expect me to be hanging around with them if they are gonna moan all day.... If someone is depressed deep down but lives a normal life im not too bothered and will help pick them up etc, but if someone is 'properly' depressed then i steer WELL clear as they drag others down. Im an extremely positive person and negative thoughts are not what i need in my head.

Agree 100%
 
Ive never hidden my thoughts on depression...
The vast majority of the 'cases' of depression need to man up, or get off the sick and try and get a job...

Wish you guys could be my mates...
 
I have suffered from depression for 5 years now, and no matter how bad it has got I have taken a total of 2 weeks off work, this was a full offshore trip to be exact.
I have had times where I have gone and sat in the car to pull myself together, gone to the toilet to get a break from things etc.
Glad to see you guys have such support for people.
 
Dr Z
 
I would allow the person to come to you and let them spill their guts if they feel like it, I for one will chat to people at times, but if people ask or try to offer help I am more likely to clam up.
Just being there is probably the best you can do, and also having patience.

To be fair some of the comments directed here are more at people claiming depression i think and are misdirected somewhat.

Its not that im cold etc im actually quite sensitive deep down, but as a serious question what can be so bad to make people upset all the time? I have had a terrible upbringing and even in the last 5 years i have had some terrible things happen to me, i can actually laugh at things that would mentally scar people for life so maybe im different.

But your average geezer who's depressed, what is it thats so bad? Fix it and move on!
Surely it can't be that bad if they think long and hard about it? Im no expert though tbh.

I just keep myself so well entertained that i don't have time for negetivity.

essex_chris


To be fair some of the comments directed here are more at people claiming depression i think and are misdirected somewhat.

Chris your an example of someone who admits to depression but is still extremely lively and fun, personally i would say your one of my favorite members and you do suffer, so im not saying i don't get on with everyone who's depressed but ones that spread a negative atmosphere i steer clear of like the plague.

I work in sales and have done for years, ime people who are negative/depressive get the sack with immediate effect.

Blue_Lagoon3000


Its not that im cold etc im actually quite sensitive deep down, but as a serious question what can be so bad to make people upset all the time? I have had a terrible upbringing and even in the last 5 years i have had some terrible things happen to me, i can actually laugh at things that would mentally scar people for life so maybe im different.

But your average geezer who's depressed, what is it thats so bad? Fix it and move on!
Surely it can't be that bad if they think long and hard about it? Im no expert though tbh.

I just keep myself so well entertained that i don't have time for negetivity.

That is a very simplistic view

I understand that i may not be correct with my views there but if you just keep yourself active mentally and physically i find that i can't get upset, i have the occasional bad day once every blue moon. Personally i find just doing everything i want to in life i don't get down, for those who can't do the things they want then, find a way to make it happen. Simple.

Blue_Lagoon3000


Its not that im cold etc im actually quite sensitive deep down, but as a serious question what can be so bad to make people upset all the time? I have had a terrible upbringing and even in the last 5 years i have had some terrible things happen to me, i can actually laugh at things that would mentally scar people for life so maybe im different.

But your average geezer who's depressed, what is it thats so bad? Fix it and move on!
Surely it can't be that bad if they think long and hard about it? Im no expert though tbh.

I just keep myself so well entertained that i don't have time for negetivity.

Obviously the terms perception and subjectivity escape you. Given I've had the misfortune to read your posts on occasion I'd like to say this comes as a surprise...it doesn't.

Your right your no expert, in future when you have no idea (self admittedly) about the topic at hand about you keep those hands in your pockets or impart your wisdom in a thread about farts.

Blue_Lagoon3000


I understand that i may not be correct with my views there but if you just keep yourself active mentally and physically i find that i can't get upset, i have the occasional bad day once every blue moon. Personally i find just doing everything i want to in life i don't get down, for those who can't do the things they want then, find a way to make it happen. Simple.

Again your taking a simplistic view. That one bad day you have does not equal depression and you cant assume that you do not get depressed because you keep active.

What you saying is similar to what that fool ( i wont mention his name) whom i unfortunately share a nationality with said regarding depression .......by claiming depression can be cured by juicing some vegatables.

Its very easy climb out of a hole when you want to...... unfortunately from what my experience when your depressed you dont really care about being in the hole, the hole is normality so to speak

To address the OP's post.

Speaking from a silent sufferers POV (no one in my real life has any idea that I have this affliction apart from those in the profession) its an illness which must be understood to be beaten.

If hes a good friend, perhaps read up on it a little. 

After 5 years of a void which i can only describe as utter and absolute despair, the only way I could tame the black dog is to understand it, find its weaknesses and what it likes to feed on and then do my best to starve it.

In this case, losing his rock I cannot begin to understand the cognitive process he has been through or will have to go through to begin healing. 

But what i can categorically state is that with friends like you his journey will be that much easier.

Ive come out the other end somehow with a loving fiancée, a handful of friends who would lay down their lives for me and several high level qualifications, martial arts belts and work experience.

I can tell you now that whilst id love to take the credit, its mostly down to the support in my life that I was able to do those things in my darkest times. I recognise now that i was guided toward the above by those who loved me in the hopes that they would keep me busy until i was ready to help myself.

I get your viewpoint Blue, but I think you're confusing people who are just a bit 'down; with depression. Those sort of negative people annoy me too, always a drama, always look on the negatives. I know a couple of people like this and I think to myself, If I were you, theres so many positives to draw upon.

Real depression I think is something you cannot understand unless it has happened to you if I'm honest. I don't know alot about it but I'm pretty sure people who suffer from it are predisposed to it, all it takes is a few things to trigger it.