LMC's Friday Funnies

It's the end of the week so here's some good old-fashioned adult humour
 
 
What does a blowjob and a wooly jumper have in common? They both feel rough when you get them from your Nan.
 
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When I heard Stephen Hawking had reached 70, I thought, "**** me - that's one powerful wheelchair."

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Injury lawyers 4u are absolute garbage. When our neighbours' chavvy 15 year old daughter cut herself breaking into our house, they told me to take a photo of her gash. Guess whos in court tomorrow.

These are a little ruder. Don't read on if easily offended...
 
 
My wife has left me coz I keep getting erections in the most inappropriate of places. The last one was in her sisters arse.

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My young nephew asked me how babies are made. I had no idea how to approach it so I looked online and found a great instructional video that explains it all.
I told him at the end of the video, "it's basically just like that, only the white stuff on her face should have gone up her fanny."

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My missus threw me out just because she caught me measuring my nob!
Anyway for the record, it just about reaches the back of her sister's throat.

A guy poked his head into my barbers shop this morning he said, "Excuse me pal, do you do young boys?"

"Occasionally" I replied, "Why, who's been talking?"

Bob is unemployed and applies for a job as a janitor at Microsoft. A manager at Human Resources interviews him in detail then asks him to wipe a few floors as a test.

"OK," says the interviewer, "you're hired. Just give me your e-mail address and I'll send you the necessary documents."

Bob says that he doesn't have a computer, so obviously has no e-mail address. The Microsoft interviewer tells him that without an e-mail address he virtually doesn't exist, so the company is unable to hire him.

Disappointed and frustrated, Bob leaves the building with only 10 dollars in his pocket. He decides to go to the nearest supermarket and buy 10 pounds of tomatoes. He sells the tomatoes door-to-door and within two hours has doubled his capital. He repeats the process three times and ends up with 160 dollars.

Realising that he can make a living this way, Bob works hard from early morning to late at night. Every day, he doubles or even triples his capital. After a short time, he buys a small van, then a truck, and soon he has an entire fleet for his deliveries.

Within 5 years, Bob has established one of the largest food retail chains in the USA. He decides to think about his future and wants to get a financial plan drawn up for himself and his family. He contacts a financial consultant and they compile a pension plan. At the end of the discussion, the consultant asks Bob for his e-mail address in order to send him the corresponding documents, only to hear that Bob still does not own a computer and has no e-mail address.

"That's weird," says the consultant. "You have built up a massive retail empire and you don't even have an e-mail address. Just imagine what you would have achieved if you'd had a computer."

Bob thinks for a minute, then says: "I'd be a janitor at Microsoft."

lol @ Microsoft!

Great jokes LMC. Love em!
 
Whats the difference, between jam and marmalade?
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
You can't marmalade you cawk up a girls arse!

You think you have lived to be 80 and know who you are, then along comes someone and blows it all to hell!

An old Marine Pilot sat down at the Starbucks, still wearing his old USMC flight suit and leather jacket and ordered a cup of coffee. As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him. She turned to the pilot and asked, are you a real pilot?

He replied, 'Well, I've spent my whole life flying planes, first Stearman’s, then the early Grumman’s... flew a Wildcat and Corsair in WWII, and later in the Korean conflict, Banshees and Cougars. I've taught more than 260 people to fly and given rides to hundreds, so I guess I am a pilot, and you, what are you?

She said, 'I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about naked women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about naked women. When I shower, I think about naked women. When I watch TV, I think about naked women. It seems everything makes me think of naked women.'

The two sat sipping in silence.

A little while later, a young man sat down on the other side of the old pilot and asked: "are you a real pilot?" He replied, 'I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian.'

what do brussel sprouts and anal sex have in common ?
 
if you didn't like them as a child there is a good chance you wont as an adult

Good stuff for a Friday, thanks guys - how do you remember then all? Struggle with what day of the week it is half the time?!

cLaTTeReD


what do brussel sprouts and anal sex have in common ?

if you didn't like them as a child there is a good chance you wont as an adult

I'm not so sure about that - I still can't stand brussel sprouts

I came up with 4 new years resolutions last month....
1. Give up @nal sex
2. Give up gang bangs
3. Give up blow jobs
4. Get out of prison.
 

WhiteSnake


I came up with 4 new years resolutions last month....
1. Give up @nal sex
2. Give up gang bangs
3. Give up blow jobs
4. Get out of prison.

 
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA 5 STARS

Reborn

WhiteSnake


I came up with 4 new years resolutions last month....
1. Give up @nal sex
2. Give up gang bangs
3. Give up blow jobs
4. Get out of prison.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA 5 STARS

Lol, cheers Reborn!
Father O' Brien was on the radio today talking about his parish and how wonderful it is! Complimenting everyone, up to and including the altar boys.
"In fact" he added...."Ronan, our newest altar boy has been such a hero, having saved my life last year!" "REALLY? enquired the radio host. "What did he manage that??"
"He found a lump in my testicles!" replied Fr. O' Brien.