Hey guys,
I know I didn't keep a journal on here, I wish I did, but I'd already started one on another forum. But I checked here all the time on Welshy and have been a member of the boards for a while, but I just thought I'd leave this here as it was a hell of an experience for me...
So I got up around 7:30am, I had next to no sleep, partly due to the awful bed, Etap hotels, cheap for a reason, but mainly because I didn't want to scrub all my tan off on the sheets, so found it hard to find a comfortable position to sleep in
Ate my cold mushrooms and turkey, which was disgusting, and after a bad nights sleep, not the start to the day I wanted. After that was my final coat of tan, I need to do a better job exfoliating next time and start a bit sooner as there's bits where the tan just didn't really take too, which meant you had to apply more, which of course then looks patchy
Paced around until 10, at which point I made my first mistake of the day, I paniced that I wasn't dark enough so asked for another coat of tan, Rachel said it wasn't a good idea, but I felt I needed it. The one from earlier barely had time to dry and darken so putting another one on top wasn't clever, and we made a right hash of it, and made it look worse than before, so had to spend ages trying to blend it all in again. Argh! Eventually got it done but it meant we left a lot later than planned, which again meant I felt all rushed and in a panic
Finally found the venue, Rachels car sat nav is a bit out of date and seemed to think Newport still has hundreds of roundabouts, so kept getting us lost. At this point, I'm in a right state and trying to stay calm, but all I can think about is everything that's gone wrong so far! When we turned up, I got straight in the queue and had a look around at everyones tans, some were worse than mine but the majority looked good, so I felt very self conscious stood there with my patchy face haha. Rocked up to sign in and got weighed in...
75.2kg.....ummm........what?! I asked if I could try again, he let me....75.2kg, wtf?!?! My heart sank, how could this be? Just Thursday night I was 69.8kg. I'd dropped water, I'd stopped carbs now, what is going on!?
I still don't know what is going on, but I have a few ideas:
1) One conversation that happened backstage was cutting water and peoples methods. Now everyone agreed that the build up and stop strategy that I did, just doesn't work. As cutting water out so suddenly means your body holds on to water as it panics into thinking it's not going to be getting any for sometime. So this could explain why I've suddenly gained the best part of a stone in 3 days. Just 2 days before I was drinking 12 litres, 24 hours later, nothing.
2) Carbing up, Rob said with me it's a big risk, but it's either take the risk but maybe look hard and full, or don't and come in looking flat and stringy. I took the risk and maybe it was too much of a risk
3) My scales at home are knackered
Likely 1 though, and next year, I'll be adopting the 12 litres, dropping a litre a day up until the show.
Anyway, so I'm feeling rubbish now after this weigh in, as I pretty much know I'm going to be in the middleweights. Which is the worst category to be in, as most of the people in there are experienced, lightweights who have spent years packing on size and moving up in to the middleweights, so have loads of experience, or people who are naturally big and spent years tweaking. Not many people have their first show in that class, I was the only first timer there.
So at this point I knew, I was no longer competing to try and win, instead it was just trying not to embarrass myself, but I didn't feel good about it.
I waited upstairs and eventually a friend from another forum turned up with his girlfriend. Absolutely fantastic people, the pair of them, was stunned they travelled as far as they did, and I know it wasn't just for me, but I felt massively touched they'd come that far to watch the show. Next was the turn of Desmo (Welshys other half), and he was a cracking guy too, made me feel so at ease and was great to talk too, top bloke. Finally, J.T and his brother turned up, and again, from a long way away, but it was great to meet them, really friendly and a couple of stars. J.T is a big dude, and your brother mentioned you wanted to compete, I say go for it mate, do it, and wherever the show, I'll be coming to watch.
Eventually went backstage and sat in the Mr Physique changing room, with all the Lightweights/Middleweights/Heavyweights. Naturally, you just look round, but everyone's clothed at this point, but you try and asses the size of people already. And you can tell everyone is doing the same. Some people make the effort to talk, others have headphones on and are very much "in the zone", I just sat there, without a chair as I was the last one in, and tried to fit in. After the splits had been announced and it was confirmed I was a middleweight, we all went into seperate rooms and I finally got to see my competition. Well 2 of them. Then the other 3 walked in....
FUUUUUUUUUUUUUU, These were big dudes. And to quote Pumping Iron, "aaall the way big dudes". The minute the guy who ended up finishing second, took his top off, everyone just looked and thought, woah, this guys out on top already. Then the other two just had veins and striations everywhere, they looked awesome. And this was before the oil and pump up.
Now I felt massively defeated, I felt like I'd already lost, and I just thought, "what's the point?", I just felt like walking on stage next to those guys were going to embarrass me, and I was going to look ridiculous up there. That's the one thing I said when I started this whole thing months ago, I didn't want to go on stage and look out of place, and now it suddenly felt like I was about to do just that... Suddenly, the wait went from feeling like hours, to feeling like seconds. I no longer wanted to pump up, I no longer wanted to psyche myself up, I just wanted to go home and save the judges time..
"Middleweights, line up!", that was it, it had come from no where and it was the call I'd been dreading. I was first to go out. I'd been pumping up like mad, in the hope some muscles were going to grow from nowhere, but they didn't, I had to face the crowds as I was. I took one huge swig of Brandy, and led the guys up the stairs. The whole time thinking "Why am I leading these guys? They should be leading me!"
I'm stood by the curtain, shaking like a leaf, thinking about that first pose in my head, suddenly it felt like I didn't know what to do anymore, and then I heard it
"Please welcome on stage, our Middleweight class"
The guy gave me a little pat on the back and said to "Number 4, go", and at that moment, I remember saying "sorry" under my breath, because all I could think was that I was about to embarrass Rachel in the stands, and anyone that came to watch me was going to be like "Oh...". I walked on stage, it felt like slow motion, I looked into the crowd, realised that was a mistake and looked ahead. Took my place and got into the front relaxed
We went through the quarter turns, and at this point, you don't know if all that practise was worth it, are you doing it right? Are the lines coming through? But you don't know, you just go through them. And then the mandatories, we hit them, and it seems easy at first. Then they reshuffle the pack, except me and the guy on the other end, we stay still, I'm not surprised...
We go through them again, and again we reshuffle, this time me and the the other guy swap ends, and again we go through them. I'm in pain now, I'm cramping up already and this is only the 4th callout.
By the 5th I can't tense my legs, I hear people laughing and I'm convinced it's at me, by the 6th and final one I'm in so much pain and sweat is pouring off me, I look down the wooden floor is soaking. They thank us and that's it. It's done. The pre-judging is done. I walk off, last, how I felt I finished, last.
I grabbed a hand full of fizzy sweets from the tub at the top of the stairs and just grabbed my things and left. I caught up with the photographer on the way out and I went through the photos with him, what a great guy he was by the way, more on that later, I saw myself, stood next to those other guys and just winced everytime, honestly, every photo I thought more about what he must be thinking than how I looked. I hated it, I said I'd maybe come back and left
Rachel and I went to Whetherspoons, I knew I probably shouldn't eat something like that when I need to go back on stage, but right now, I didn't want to go back. At that moment, I was done. I ordered a roast and a diet coke. It turned up and that first mouthful was delightful. I earned it, I may have felt a failure at that moment, but I knew despite all the failings, I'd earned that roast potato and gravy. I finished the food and sat there, so angry at myself. And then I cried, like a wimp I cried, in the middle of the pub I just broke down.
This wasn't what I dieted for for 20 weeks, this wasn't what I'd sacrificed so much for. This was certainly not what I'd gone through torture and all sorts for. I wanted more than this, I wanted, if I wasn't going to win, to at least feel like I'd done myself proud and like I'd got something to show for it. But all I could think in my head was those photos and how pathetic I thought I looked. I'd never felt such a failure than I did, sat in front of food I shouldn't have eaten and having just walked off that stage knowing I'm not even in the judges thoughts
I eventually decided I would finish the show, only for those that made the effort to come see me, I owed them that, and because I knew I'd only feel worse if I was a quitter and a failure
I met up with Desmo and J.T, who gave me a fantastic little pep talk, and told me a few things I was maybe forgetting, and missing the point on. I can't thank you two enough. And at that moment, whatever happened, something clicked in my head. And all those thoughts before, and everything negative vanished. I realised a few things. I realised that I may not be the biggest guy, I may not be the best conditioned guy, but I was up there all the same. And very few make it up there. I'd achieved something that at the start, I never thought I could. I'm a guy who normally can't talk to new people unless I'm drunk, I have confidence issues, and I'm hugely self conscious. I've always had a problem with shyness, yet I just walked on stage, in a pair of posing trunks, and competed in a bodybuilding competition.
I felt so much better, I ordered the photos, and the photographer came and had a chat with me, he was a massively friendly guy, and massive
but he just told me not to be disheartened, and just reiterated what most had said already, but it helped again, and I really appreciated it coming from him, and for him to take the time to do that. I started thinking about my routine, and I felt excited about it again.
My routine was a chance for me to go up there and not look small next to anyone, just all eyes on me and **** it, I'm going to try and entertain you even if I can't wow you. And if I can't do that, then I'm just going to go and have some fun.
So I went backstage, got stripped off and started going through my routine, sipping brandy and eating bits of peanut butter. I actually thought I looked better, the sodium and fats from earlier had caused me to come out far more vascular, and I looked a lot fuller. I was in a changing room full of guys, just posing, not caring about whether they were laughing at me or whatever.
"Middleweights, you're up!"
That was it, but this time I was ready for it and wanting to hear it. I was first up again, took my place and the walk up those stairs was a lot easier this time. I was stood ready to go on stage. This time I wasn't thinking about how I was about to let everyone down, I was thinking how I was going to give everyone a chance to see just me, and not see me next to last years champion. I walked out there, to the music and took my place.
"Thank you Toby...", that was it, that was 60 seconds? Where did it go? That flew by, I had so much fun, and I still had more. I walked off, smiled and got a nod of respect from the other guys and I just felt a huge weight off my shoulders. I wasn't done yet, but now it was nearly done. We walked back out on stage and did the compulsories and pose down, and I loved it. I wanted it to go on.
The MC called out the top 3. I knew I wasn't going to be in there, but I just stood there, with a smile on my face and took it all in. Everything else almost a blur. At this point, I knew this wasn't going to the last time I was on stage. In my head I was already planning my next show, my off season routine, what I need to work on. I had the bug, and I wanted more. I knew now why people kept telling me I was going to not be able to just do it once, and I knew that 2012 was my chance to come back and show middleweights wasn't a one off, it's going to be my class...
We walked off stage for the last time, I walked off last again, but this time not feeling last, feeling like I'd won, like I'd won a battle with myself that day and these last 20 weeks. And whatever happened that day and wherever I finished, I'd done something that not a lot of people will ever be able to say they've done. I grabbed another handful of sweets, couple of tears of relief and happiness again dripping down my cheeks, grabbed my bags and took one of the complimentary brownies (which were amazing by the way)
That first bite felt so good, but for some reason it didn't feel as good as I thought it would, I guess I felt a little preoccupied thinking about something else. I grabbed my things and left for the exit, and for the second time that day I said something, that just came out and I didn't even need to think about it...
"See you next year"