Bookmark this thread:     |
Login  | |
|
I Need Jokes for a Speech - May 8 2008 11:12:43
| |
|
Faux Real
Posts: 5501
Joined: Feb. 3 2005
From: London
Status: offline
|
Has anyone got any jokes, topical would be good, preferably one liners I can put into a best man's speech?
I've got most of it down but its not that funny and I wouldn't mind some cracking one liners.
Any topical jokes doing the rounds?
Cheers.
_____________________________
27 | 6ft | 90kg
Bench: 70kg | Deads: 140kg | Squats 100kg
Journal: Jan 2008 - May 2008 :: Typical Diet
| |
|
RE: I Need Jokes for a Speech - May 8 2008 11:24:49
| |
|
MMA Guy
Posts: 6587
Joined: Apr. 4 2006
From: Pompey
Status: offline
|
my friend had a cracker....
"i'm sorry if i appear nervous...i even went over a few lines in the toilet before i come out for the speech'
*sniffs and wipes nose*
_____________________________
My Journal - CLICK ME!
Workout Tune of the Week
http://youtube.com/watch?v=sMqT7-rVWzg
| |
|
|
RE: I Need Jokes for a Speech - May 8 2008 11:25:35
| |
|
cu3ed
Posts: 19320
Joined: Sep. 2 2004
From: Beneifit Fraud Agency with Phoenix
Status: offline
|
I know we cant talk about (name) ex's, but ever since the BSE outbreak we dont need to.
| |
|
|
RE: I Need Jokes for a Speech - May 8 2008 11:30:37
| |
|
knoxville
Posts: 2322
Joined: May 8 2007
From: Beer to eternity
Status: offline
|
Myself and the groom would like to dedicate a drink to all the kisses we have snatched and vice versa
went down well ,when i was a best man anyways lol
_____________________________
 
Comfort Zone challenge day1 done
| |
|
|
RE: I Need Jokes for a Speech - May 8 2008 11:51:24
| |
|
Lord Monkcheese
Posts: 3910
Joined: Feb. 24 2004
From: United Kingdom
Status: online
|
When reading through the telegrams:
I have a message from <insert name ancient female relative>. She's sorry she can't be with the happy couple today because she's 111!!! (Emphasis on the age - audience all go whooooo in appreciation)
Oh hang on a minute - <insert name ancient female relative> can't be with you today because she's ill.........
----------------------------------------------------------------
Also,
as you stand up and begin your speech, your first line can be "I wouldn't say I'm nervous but this isn't the first time I have stood up today from a warm seat with a piece of paper in my right hand"
| |
|
|
RE: I Need Jokes for a Speech - May 8 2008 11:57:12
| |
|
Faux Real
Posts: 5501
Joined: Feb. 3 2005
From: London
Status: offline
|
quote:
ORIGINAL: Lord Monkcheese
as you stand up and begin your speech, your first line can be "I wouldn't say I'm nervous but this isn't the first time I have stood up today from a warm seat with a piece of paper in my right hand"
I think that ones been done a few times now!
_____________________________
27 | 6ft | 90kg
Bench: 70kg | Deads: 140kg | Squats 100kg
Journal: Jan 2008 - May 2008 :: Typical Diet
| |
|
|
RE: I Need Jokes for a Speech - May 8 2008 11:57:48
| |
|
tuc biscuit
Posts: 5488
Joined: Sep. 27 2003
From: Manchester UK Joined: Jun. 12 1993 Posts: 25675
Status: offline
|
take a pair of knickers out of your pocket and hand them to his mother
I could swear this place is haunted, I sat down on the toilet just before and felt something pass right through me.
_____________________________
| |
|
|
RE: I Need Jokes for a Speech - May 8 2008 12:07:48
| |
|
Lord Monkcheese
Posts: 3910
Joined: Feb. 24 2004
From: United Kingdom
Status: online
|
quote:
ORIGINAL: Faux Real
quote:
ORIGINAL: Lord Monkcheese
as you stand up and begin your speech, your first line can be "I wouldn't say I'm nervous but this isn't the first time I have stood up today from a warm seat with a piece of paper in my right hand"
I think that ones been done a few times now!
I've been to very few weddings so have only heard it the once.
Made me laugh lots though.
| |
|
|
RE: I Need Jokes for a Speech - May 8 2008 12:15:28
| |
|
boar
Posts: 9550
Joined: May 2 2004
From: Eats Soylent Green and nothing else
Status: online
|
i used :
how barry mannaged to land such an enormous fish with such a small maggot as bait is beyond me .... mind you i had just thrown her back...
_____________________________
- A boar doesn't feel pity , or remorse , or fear ,
and it absolutely will not stop. Ever. {my journal}
if your chance came would you take it
| |
|
|
RE: I Need Jokes for a Speech - May 8 2008 12:16:47
| |
|
JohnKerr2
Posts: 6439
Joined: Jul. 14 2003
From: London United Kingdom
Status: offline
|
Most people find farts funny.
Try and work in mention of a fart.
_____________________________
Your attitude reeks of that of somebody who went to a lower ranking University hoping that their education is seen as equal to those that went to a better one.
| |
|
|
RE: I Need Jokes for a Speech - May 8 2008 12:17:47
| |
|
Faux Real
Posts: 5501
Joined: Feb. 3 2005
From: London
Status: offline
|
quote:
ORIGINAL: JohnKerr2
Most people find farts funny.
Try and work in mention of a fart.
Would producing a fart have the same impact?
_____________________________
27 | 6ft | 90kg
Bench: 70kg | Deads: 140kg | Squats 100kg
Journal: Jan 2008 - May 2008 :: Typical Diet
| |
|
|
RE: I Need Jokes for a Speech - May 8 2008 12:19:16
| |
|
JohnKerr2
Posts: 6439
Joined: Jul. 14 2003
From: London United Kingdom
Status: offline
|
quote:
ORIGINAL: Faux Real
quote:
ORIGINAL: JohnKerr2
Most people find farts funny.
Try and work in mention of a fart.
Would producing a fart have the same impact?
Depends on the context.
Can you fart on demand?
_____________________________
Your attitude reeks of that of somebody who went to a lower ranking University hoping that their education is seen as equal to those that went to a better one.
| |
|
|
RE: I Need Jokes for a Speech - May 8 2008 12:24:02
| |
|
Faux Real
Posts: 5501
Joined: Feb. 3 2005
From: London
Status: offline
|
quote:
ORIGINAL: JohnKerr2
Depends on the context.
Can you fart on demand?
I can try, although sometimes if I try too hard then I shart. I don't think that would be as funny.
_____________________________
27 | 6ft | 90kg
Bench: 70kg | Deads: 140kg | Squats 100kg
Journal: Jan 2008 - May 2008 :: Typical Diet
| |
|
|
RE: I Need Jokes for a Speech - May 8 2008 12:25:09
| |
|
JohnKerr2
Posts: 6439
Joined: Jul. 14 2003
From: London United Kingdom
Status: offline
|
quote:
ORIGINAL: Faux Real
quote:
ORIGINAL: JohnKerr2
Depends on the context.
Can you fart on demand?
I can try, although sometimes if I try too hard then I shart. I don't think that would be as funny.
Again, context is everything.
_____________________________
Your attitude reeks of that of somebody who went to a lower ranking University hoping that their education is seen as equal to those that went to a better one.
| |
|
|
RE: I Need Jokes for a Speech - May 8 2008 12:41:10
| |
|
Stone
Posts: 11783
Joined: Dec. 1 2004
From: LONDON
Status: offline
|
quote:
ORIGINAL: tuc biscuit
take a pair of knickers out of your pocket and hand them to his mother
quote:
ORIGINAL: boar
i used :
how barry mannaged to land such an enormous fish with such a small maggot as bait is beyond me .... mind you i had just thrown her back...
Id laugh if I saw and heard those. Youd have the crowd in stitches.
_____________________________
Basic, simple, compound movements, go hard, go heavy.
Hazard a touch of narcissism without shame.
http://store.gbfitness.net
http://www.underground-muscle.co.uk
NEXT: PACQUIAO VS. DIAZ?
| |
|
|
RE: I Need Jokes for a Speech - May 8 2008 12:52:42
| |
|
Strumpus
Posts: 138
Joined: Mar. 20 2007
Status: offline
|
Is the groom fat?
I made an entire best man's speech out of jokes about being fat about 10 years ago. People still talk about it. 
_____________________________
My Journal
| |
|
|
RE: I Need Jokes for a Speech - May 8 2008 13:38:22
| |
|
Faux Real
Posts: 5501
Joined: Feb. 3 2005
From: London
Status: offline
|
No, he is quite skinny.
So Steve and Jane you’ve finally got married, for better or for worse, which is quite appropriate as Steve couldn’t have done any better and Jane couldn’t have done any worse
< Message edited by Faux Real -- May 8 2008 13:40:22 >
_____________________________
27 | 6ft | 90kg
Bench: 70kg | Deads: 140kg | Squats 100kg
Journal: Jan 2008 - May 2008 :: Typical Diet
| |
|
|
RE: I Need Jokes for a Speech - May 8 2008 13:38:51
| |
|
spider-man
Posts: 583
Joined: Apr. 13 2004
From: Telford UK
Status: offline
|
On the reverse side of the cards that you'll be reading from, have written in bold letters "NERVOUS WRECK!"
_____________________________
Current Stats:
Weight: 217lbs (100kg)
Height: 5ft 8in (173cm)
Age: 36
Best lifts (olympic bar):
Squat: 280kg, Bench: 180kg, Dead lift: 300kg
| |
|
|
RE: I Need Jokes for a Speech - May 8 2008 15:37:38
| |
|
Faux Real
Posts: 5501
Joined: Feb. 3 2005
From: London
Status: offline
|
I hope I get heckled:
"You will have to excuse him; when he was circumcised, they threw the wrong bit away."
Has anyone been heckled during a best man's speech?
_____________________________
27 | 6ft | 90kg
Bench: 70kg | Deads: 140kg | Squats 100kg
Journal: Jan 2008 - May 2008 :: Typical Diet
| |
|
|
Printable Version
New Messages
No New Messages
Hot Topic w/ New Messages
Hot Topic w/o New Messages
Locked w/ New Messages
Locked w/o New Messages
Post New Thread