and theres more....
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23 June 2008 19:28
A man burst into a crowded bank, ordered everyone into a corner, & then got his bag filled with packets of money.
But instead of running out, he approached the crowd of terrified customers. He picked out one & asked, "Did you see me rob this bank?"
The man replied, "Yes sir, I did".
The robber then shot him in the temple, killing him instantly.
He then turned to a couple standing next to him & asked the man, "Did YOU see me rob this bank?"
"No sir, I sure didn't", the man replied....."But my wife did".
Paramedics attend a nasty accident involving a sports car. When they see the driver screaming in pain they tell him to calm down as at least he wasn't flung out through the windscreen like his girlfriend. He screams back "Have you seen what's in her f*****g mouth?"
A Florida couple was watching a Discovery Channel Special about an African black bush tribe whose men all had penises 24 Inches long.
When the black male reaches a certain age, a string is tied around his penis and on the other end is a weight. After a while, the weight stretches the penis to 24 inches.
Later that evening as the husband was getting out of the shower, his Wife looked at him and said, 'How about we try the African String-and-weight procedure?' The husband agreed and They tied a String and a weight to his penis . A few days later, The wife asked the Husband, 'How is our little tribal experiment coming along?'
'Well, it looks like we're about half way there,' he replied.
'Wow, you mean it's grown to 12 inches?'
'No, it's turned black.
Dave works hard at the plant and spends most evenings bowling or playing basketball at the gym. His wife thinks he is pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club.
The doorman at the club greets them and says, 'Hey Dave, how ya doin?'
His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before. 'Oh no,' says Dave. 'He's on my bowling team.'
When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he'd like his usual. His wife is becoming uncomfortable and says, 'You must come here a lot for that woman to know you drink Budweiser.'
'No honey, she's in the Ladies Bowling League. We share lanes with them.'
A stripper comes over to their table and throws her arms around Dave. 'Hi Davey,' she says, 'Want another table dance?'
Dave's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club. Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her and she starts screaming at him.
The cabby turns his head and says, 'Looks like you picked up a real bitch tonight, Dave.'
One day a college professor of Psychology was greeting his new college class. He stood up in front of the class and said, "Would everyone who thinks he or she is stupid please stand up?"
After a minute or so of silence, a young man stood up.
"Well, good morning. So, you actually think you're a moron?" the professor asked.
The kid replied, "No sir, I just didn't want to see you standing there all by yourself.
Ventriloquist talks to a Welsh farmer
Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your dog?"
Farmer: "The dog doesn't talk, you stupid git."
Ventriloquist: "Hello dog, how's it going mate?"
Dog: "Doin' all right."
Farmer: (look of extreme shock)
Ventriloquist: "Is this villager your owner?"
pointing at the Farmer)
Dog: "Yep"
Ventriloquist: "How does he treat you?"
Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food and takes
me to the lake once a week to play."
Farmer: (look of utter disbelief)
Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"
Farmer: "Uh, the horse doesn't talk either.... I think."
Ventriloquist: "Hey horse, how's it going?"
Horse: "Cool"
Farmer: (absolutely dumbfounded)
Ventriloquist: "Is this your owner?" (pointing at the Farmer)
Horse: "Yep"
Ventriloquist: "How does he treat you?"
Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes
me down often and keeps me in the barn to protect me from the elements."
Farmer: (total look of amazement)
Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?"
Farmer: (in a panic) "The sheep's a liar!"
A Husband takes his wife to play
her first game of golf. Of course, the Wife promptly hacked her first shot right through the window of the biggest house adjacent to the course.
The husband cringed, "I warned you to be careful! Now we'll have to go up there, find the owner, apologise, and see how much your lousy drive is going to cost us."
So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door. A warm voice said, "Come on in."
When they opened the door they saw the damage that was done: Glass was all over the place, and a broken antique bottle was lying on its side near the broken window.
A large black man was sitting on the coach asked, "Are you the people that broke my window?"
"Uh..yeah, sir. We're sure sorry about that," the husband replied.
"Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you.
You see, I'm a genie, and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years. Now that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes. I'll give you one wish, but if you don't mind, I will keep the last one for myself.
"Wow, that's great" the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted out, "I'd like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life."
"No problem," said the genie. "You've got it, it's the least I can do. And I'll guarantee you a long, healthy life and now you young lady what do you want?" the genie asked.
"I'd like to own a gorgeous home complete with servants in every country in the world," she said.
"Consider it done," the genie said. "And your homes will always be safe from fire, burglary and natural disasters!"
"And now," the couple asked in unison, "what's your wish, genie?"
"Well since I've been trapped in that bottle and haven't been with a woman in more than a thousand years, my wish is to have sex with your wife."
The husband looked at his wife and said, "Gee, honey, you know we both now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?"
She mulled it over for a few moments and said, "You know, you're right. Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn't mind, but what about you honey?"
"You know I love you sweetheart," said the husband. "I'd do the same for you!" So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of the afternoon enjoying each other. The genie was insatiable.
After about three hours of non-stop sex, the genie rolled over and looked directly into her eyes and asked, "How old are you and your husband?"
"Why, we're both 35," she responded breathlessly.
"No kidding." He said, "Thirty-five years old and both of you still believe in genies?
were sitting in a Starbuck's cafe one day discussing who had the superior culture.
Over triple lattes the Greek guy says, 'Well, we Greeks built the Parthenon,' arching his eyebrows.
The Irishman then replies, 'Well... it was the Irish that discovered the Summer and Winter Solstices.'
The Greek retorts, 'We Greeks gave birth to advanced mathematics.'
The Irishman, nodding in agreement, says, 'Irish were the ones who built the first timepieces and calendars.'
And so on until the Greek comes up with what he thinks will end the discussion. With a flourish of finality he says, 'The Greeks were the ones who invented sex!'
The Irishman replies, 'Indeed, that is true, but it was we Irish who introduced it to women.'
paddy weighs 20st,so his doctor puts him on a diet."I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, eat for 2 days, then skip a day and so on for 2 weeks, you should loose 5 lbs.
When Paddy returned, he shocked the doctor by having lost 4st "thats amazing the doctor said"..........Paddy nodded...."I'll tell you be Jesus, I taut i was gonna drop dead by da thurd day"..."what from hunger" asked the doctor...Paddy replies" no, from da flipin skipin"
One day a priest was walking by a river and saw a frog on a lilly pad. Help me croaked the frog, once i was a beautiful choirboy, but an evil witch turned me into a frog. The only way to reverse the spell is for me to spend the night in the bed ov a religous man. The priest took the frog home and put it to bed. Lo and behold in the morning there was a beautiful choirboy! And that, your honour, is the case for the defence!
Going to war over religion is basically killing one another to see who's got the better imaginary freind