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Feared or respected?

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indie
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2014/11/14 16:02:45 (permalink)

Feared or respected?

I regard myself as a nice kind of chap, but can't help but feel sometimes this is taken advantage of.  However friendly or accommodating I am, I neither seem to get the same in return or any appreciation/respect for it.
 
I am very calm and don't get p1ssed off or angry very easily. I been thinking for quite a while that it really doesn't do me any good.  Although when I have been p1ssed off, which is rarely. Fists can unfortunately fly.
 
Today for example I caught the neighbour dumping his leaves into my garden and strangely I am the one who ends up apologising, just to keep the peace. I know if I had got angry there and then, it would of been hulk mode and I would of got been accused of overreacting over something very petty. 
 
Are people just idiots or should I learn to have a shorter fuse?
 
Anyone else found this? Does being friendly etc really gets you anywhere, or is it better to be feared than respected. tbh at the moment I feel I'm neither feared or respected.
post edited by indie - 2014/11/14 16:06:07
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    WGBM
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    Re: Feared or respected? 2014/11/14 16:19:35 (permalink)
    out of fear, respect is born
     
    no one will respect a human that can be walked all over. whilst not turning in to an arsehole its sometimes better to slightly snap at situations like you mentioned - "what the **** do you think you are doing?" would have brought more respect than "would you not do that please"
     
    *and i don't mean fear like walking around like a double hard bastard, just having the balls to say how you feel sometimes is a shock enough to some people to 'fear' them pushing you any further etc etc
    post edited by WGBM - 2014/11/14 16:26:57

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    #2
    James
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    Re: Feared or respected? 2014/11/14 16:40:18 (permalink)
    Indie - I'm like you.  But I look at consequence.  Be assertive, but don't be feared.  If you're feared you lose out as people won't want to be associated with you.
     
    I'm having this very debate with one of my very close friends at the mo (some of you here will know who I'm talking about!)
     
    #3
    WGBM
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    Re: Feared or respected? 2014/11/14 16:44:46 (permalink)
    i'll give an example. I was at the cinema a few weeks back with a mate watching dawn of the apes. had 4 teens sat behind us laughing and talking for the first 10 minutes until i stood up and quietly told the to 'shut the **** up before I ram that popcorn down their throat until they choke'  - they said sorry and was quiet for the rest of the film. job done.
     
    if i'd have seemed softer (which I am by the way, i wouldn't have stood a chance against the 4 of them, lover not a fighter ) and said something like "can you keep it down please" - the chances are that a few handfuls of popcorn and verbal abuse would have come our way.

    The only way to discover the limits of the possible is to go beyond them into the impossible. Arthur C. Clarke
    #4
    makaveli1971 1996
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    Re: Feared or respected? 2014/11/14 16:54:57 (permalink)
    Somewhere in between I'd say, and it may depend on the day, but always respected and while I may come across feared at times, there's nothing to fear as Im just either tired moody or hungry.

    If you love something let it go,if it comes back to you it's yours,if it doesn't it never was.
    #5
    Mobster
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    Re: Feared or respected? 2014/11/14 17:02:50 (permalink)
    I'm still thinking about the leaves. I think I'd have thrown them back over. As to what he then thinks of me...

     
    #6
    robert123
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    Re: Feared or respected? 2014/11/14 17:15:51 (permalink)
    I find being blunt to work quite well, its not quite confrontational to start a fight but its also enough for someone not to think you are a walk over.
     
    If the other persons looking for an argument or a fight then its going to go that way if you do speak to them. If they are just being inconsiderate or trying their luck, they will likely back down. Ive found that after a few words most people will back down from a fight.
     
    In the leaves example just say "do not dump leaves in my garden, i dont do it in yours, do you have not have a bin" - he will respond, then "in future i dont expect that to happen again, as im not cleaning your stuff up".
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    Lay
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    Re: Feared or respected? 2014/11/14 17:24:52 (permalink)
    What I'd like to know is how someone ends up apologising after catching their neighbour dumping leaves in their garden?  Telling them not to (not asking) is all that's needed.
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    Kaneda
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    Re: Feared or respected? 2014/11/14 18:37:42 (permalink)
    Can only imagine they're off a tree in the ops garden that overhangs or something. Still a tw4t move by the neighbour though!
    #9
    indie
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    Re: Feared or respected? 2014/11/14 19:50:32 (permalink)
     
    Kaneda
    Can only imagine they're off a tree in the ops garden that overhangs or something. Still a tw4t move by the neighbour though!


    There are trees all around, but afterward I did notice they were the same shape as the leaves on his trees not mine.
     
    Lay
    What I'd like to know is how someone ends up apologising after catching their neighbour dumping leaves in their garden?  Telling them not to (not asking) is all that's needed.



    After I caught him in as guilty a position as you can imagine, ie bent over his wall stuffing leaves in the corner of my property, he was pretty much caught with his pants down (not literally), so to deflect attention from himself he piped up accusing me of this and that, I've always been nice to this guy, but he's gruff and thick. So I said something along the lines of "I don't think I've done this, but I apologise if that's how it may of appeared" etc
     
     
    No apologies from him though, No "perhaps I was out of order, for dumping stuff in your garden" nothing, Its like a drive by p1ss take.
     
    I think people must see politeness as weakness, People just don't deserve to be treated nicely.
    Seems like a general trend that you give an inch and a mile will be taken.
     
     
    post edited by indie - 2014/11/14 20:20:11
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    Trident
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    Re: Feared or respected? 2014/11/14 19:58:55 (permalink)
    Better to be Feared.
     
    The lowest common denominator is violence, all those above are open to abuse if your in the right and the other persons an arsehole.
     
    Being nice works against nice people.
     
    "Hey mate, move them leave now"
     
    Anything less than doing so is taking the pis* and its confrontation time IMO.
    #11
    WhiteSnake
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    Re: Feared or respected? 2014/11/15 20:41:36 (permalink)
    I always try to see the good in people.
    I think he was trying to build you a compost. Most probably as an early xmas present.
    #12
    Boss Redd
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    Re: Feared or respected? 2014/11/16 10:30:34 (permalink)
    Unless hes an OAP I dont see how you could let him get away with it how he did.

    I do a lot of push ups and sit ups. And I drink plenty of milk.

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    sillynarbie
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    Re: Feared or respected? 2014/11/16 13:44:49 (permalink)
    What kind of idiot wants to be feared? You can be a nice person without being a doormat. The two are not the same thing. Being nice gets you everywhere. Who are the people you you like the most, respect the most, and enjoy spending time with the most? The nice ones.
    #14
    Trident
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    Re: Feared or respected? 2014/11/16 14:53:46 (permalink)
    sillynarbie
    What kind of idiot wants to be feared? You can be a nice person without being a doormat. The two are not the same thing. Being nice gets you everywhere. Who are the people you you like the most, respect the most, and enjoy spending time with the most? The nice ones.




    Would the guy have dumped the leaves if he thought there could be consequence and if he wanted to force the issue could end up getting battered?  In the land of reality probably not.
     
    You must have lead a very sheltered life if you think people cannot be well liked and even respected by many yet be feared at the same time as being someone not to pis* about with.  As for people who don't know you, well I know someone looking like Tyson is probably going to get less hassle in the pub than a lad who carries the aura of Justin Bieber when the pis8ed up teens are looking for a target.
     
    The entire structure of social policy is based on the foundations of 'fear of consequence'.
     
    'Idiot'  yea right.
     
     
    #15
    Fruity
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    Re: Feared or respected? 2014/11/16 17:46:04 (permalink)
    I'm friendly and polite at work but react quickly to anyone taking advantage.  Like someone woke me up (lol yes I nap at work between jobs) to move my table so they could play scrabble.  They were new to the job and I felt pushing boundaries to see where they were.  I told them to F... O.. if they think I'm shifting around whenever they want to play a game.  Now in my head I was saying it in a half jokey, over reaction type of way but the three of them literally went pale and sat down saying sorry and they were fine where they were.  I only thought about it later, how I came across, not how they'd seen me before.  Now they jump up when I come in the room incase they are sat in my seat .
     
    This was not the reaction I was trying to engender but, to be honest, I quite like it. 
     
    I wouldn't have taken the leaves thing too well, probably stewed on it, waited to catch him again and over reacted.  OP you may have handled it ok as I'm of the opinion that any situation that does make you enemies or get you in aggro. is the best outcome.  I just don't always follow my own advice.
     
    Edit: I think i may demand a rendition of "Teenage Dirtbag" from my young colleagues when I'm next on shift with them, put them in their place proper
    post edited by Fruity - 2014/11/16 18:19:20
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    Dumbat
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    Re: Feared or respected? 2014/11/16 18:51:17 (permalink)
    I agree with James being feared can just result in everyone thinking you are an asshole/bully.
    Being respected goes a lot further, asserting yourself in situations of conflict, using body language, and eye contact.
    There are plenty of books and vids on how to learn to be assertive while controlling your anger.
    Anger management is also a great skill to develop. 

    Ignorance: Reassuringly Expensive.






    #17
    sillynarbie
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    Re: Feared or respected? 2014/11/16 20:03:43 (permalink)
    Trident
    sillynarbie
    What kind of idiot wants to be feared? You can be a nice person without being a doormat. The two are not the same thing. Being nice gets you everywhere. Who are the people you you like the most, respect the most, and enjoy spending time with the most? The nice ones.




    Would the guy have dumped the leaves if he thought there could be consequence and if he wanted to force the issue could end up getting battered?  In the land of reality probably not.
     
    You must have lead a very sheltered life if you think people cannot be well liked and even respected by many yet be feared at the same time as being someone not to pis* about with.  As for people who don't know you, well I know someone looking like Tyson is probably going to get less hassle in the pub than a lad who carries the aura of Justin Bieber when the pis8ed up teens are looking for a target.
     
    The entire structure of social policy is based on the foundations of 'fear of consequence'.
     
    'Idiot'  yea right.
     
     




    No it's not. You've just made that up in your own little head.
     
    I personally wouldn't try to take advantage of a nice person by dumping leaves in their garden, but I'd happily do it to some wannabe-hard-man **** who thinks everyone's scared of him.
     
    What kind of pubs do you hang around in where you get hassle for no reason, regardless of what you look like?
     
    OP: Some people are ****s (your neighbour) without there being any more to it than that.
     
    #18
    Trident
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    Re: Feared or respected? 2014/11/16 20:57:05 (permalink)
    sillynarbie
    Trident
    sillynarbie
    What kind of idiot wants to be feared? You can be a nice person without being a doormat. The two are not the same thing. Being nice gets you everywhere. Who are the people you you like the most, respect the most, and enjoy spending time with the most? The nice ones.




    Would the guy have dumped the leaves if he thought there could be consequence and if he wanted to force the issue could end up getting battered?  In the land of reality probably not.
     
    You must have lead a very sheltered life if you think people cannot be well liked and even respected by many yet be feared at the same time as being someone not to pis* about with.  As for people who don't know you, well I know someone looking like Tyson is probably going to get less hassle in the pub than a lad who carries the aura of Justin Bieber when the pis8ed up teens are looking for a target.
     
    The entire structure of social policy is based on the foundations of 'fear of consequence'.
     
    'Idiot'  yea right.
     
     




    No it's not. You've just made that up in your own little head.
     
    I personally wouldn't try to take advantage of a nice person by dumping leaves in their garden, but I'd happily do it to some wannabe-hard-man **** who thinks everyone's scared of him.
     
    What kind of pubs do you hang around in where you get hassle for no reason, regardless of what you look like?
     
    OP: Some people are ****s (your neighbour) without there being any more to it than that.
     


     
    Nobody is talking about 'wannebe hard man'.  I'm talking about people who are not pissed about with as they are known.  The type who bother no one and are left alone.
     
    Worked the doors on many pubs and clubs of different standings so have seen many people get hassle for no reason.  I'm reasonably educated on the subject though extensive experience.
     
    TBH with your attitude I'm not surprised you would happily try and take advantage of someone who you thought was a 'wannabe'.  'Put them in their place' so to speak.  Seen so much trouble caused and conflicts started by insecure people who feel the need to prove themselves.  Prove themselves to be tougher.
     
    Maybe that's why the guy threw the leaves over the OP,s fence??
     
     
     
     
     
    #19
    sillynarbie
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    Re: Feared or respected? 2014/11/16 21:21:54 (permalink)
    I'm not saying I would, but if I had to choose, I'd rather screw over a twat than a nice guy.
    #20
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