A bloke takes his kids to the zoo. When they get inside there's just 1 cage with 1 small dog sitting inside it. He storms to the office to complain "You call this a zoo ?!! It's just one ****1n dog sitting in a cage !!"
The ticket seller calmly replys "That's right sir. It's a sh1tzhu."
Whats got 3 teeth 88 legs and smells of pee?
The front row at a cliff richard concert
Q. Whats a Catholic priest & a pint of Guiness got in common?
A. black coat, white collar & you've got to watch your 4rse if you get
a dodgy one!
blonde calls ryanair to book a flight. The operator asks 'How many
people are flying with you?'
blonde replies 'I dont know! Its your bloody plane!!!
A morman was sitting next to me on a plane. i odered a whiskey.
The stewardess asked the Muslim if he'd like a drink.
He replied in disgust 'I'd rather be raped by a dozen whores than let
liquor touch my lips!'
i handed his drink back and said 'Me too, I didnt know we had a
Teacher asks class to name things that end with 'tor' that eat things.
1st little boy says alligator. "Very good thats a big word"
2nd boy says predator . . "Yes thats another big word".
3rd boy says V1barator miss.... After nearly falling off her chair ,she says."That's a big word but it doesn't eat anything.!" "Well my sister has one and she says it eats Batteries
Paddy has just got his 2nd question right on who wants to b a millionaire & is now on £200. Here's the 3rd question: Who was the great train robber? Was it:
a) RONNIE Biggs?
b) RONNIE Barker?
c) RONNIE Parker?
Paddy says "Well Chris, I've had a lovely time & I'm going to take the £200."
Chris says "R u stupid? U hv all yr life lines left."
Paddy says "I might b stupid but I'm not a grass!"
Michael jackson had a heart attack after he discoverd boys II men were a band, not a delivery service!
Man goes to court for stealing a can of peaches from the supermarket the judge says am going to sentence you to one month in prison for every peach in the tin there are six in the tin so thats six months the man says to the juge thank god i put the beans back
I was in tescos the other day and saw some marmalade which i thought they named after you...on closer inspection i realised it said 'thick cut' .....
Guy goes 2 the Doc's & says "Doc I've got a sex problem." the Doc asks "What's up?" so the guy says "Well first of all my wife wakes me at 5am for a 2 hour shag before work." the Doc nods & is about 2 speak when the guy says "That's not all, on the train 2 work there's a blonde conductress who lets me off paying if I shag her." "I see" says the Doc. "No U don't, cos then at work I've gotta fack my female boss just 2 keep my job. My secretary so she won't blab about me shagging the boss, the waitress at the local restarant so she'll keep our table, the conductress on the way home & then my wife the minute I get in the door." quite taken aback the Doc asks "So what exactly is the problem?", "Well" says the guy "It hurts when I wank."
Gangster in the states is holding a big flash party, plenty of booze, women etc. He had 3 crocodiles put into his swimming pool. The party got underway when the host gathered everyone around the pool and said, i will give anyone 1 million bucks to swim the length of my pool, there were no takers, after a while he said, right i am upping the stakes,i will give 2 million bucks plus u can have any bit of C8nt at the party,a few minutes passed and suddenly there is an almighty splash and some bloke is swimming like a good un with crocs tearing lumps of flesh from him as he goes,the man struggles out the other end and the host slaps him on the back + says fack me, that was the bravest thing i have ever seen, i am a man of my word here is ur 2 million bucks, which bit of C8nt do you want?
drippin in blood the man replied' I WANT THE C8NT THAT PUSHED ME IN!
First Princess Diana,Now Michael Jackson. . . .Anyone else praying for Martin Bashir to interview GORDON BROWN?
Blind man went 4 job in wood yard saying he could identify wood by smell. They tested him on diff types & he guessed right evrytime. 2catch him out the secretary lay naked. He sniffed +asked the wood 2b turned over, he sniffed again. 'Can't fool me' he said, 'its an old BOG door off a fishin boat!
4 jamaicans were sitting around a campfire near the beach. They were all philosophizing on what the fastest thing in the world was. Seymour said "i tink de fasses ting is a thought because b4 u can tink it it already thought" winston said "nah man da fassess ting is a blink cos b4 u tink 2 blink u dun blink already" delroy said "no man da fassess ting is helectricity becas when u turn on de light it travel fass and de lite come on" leroy say "nah man de fassess ting is diarrhoea" 'diarrhoea!' they all say. Yes cos las nite b4 i could tink blink or switch de lite on me sh1t meself.
4 blokes in a prison cell. A zoophile, a sadist, a necrophiliac & a gay. The zoophile says "if there was a cat here i'd feck it till i pass out". The sadist nods & says "once you're done with it i'd torture it to death". The necrophiliac sighs "Oh yeah & once it was dead i'd feck it till i passed out". The gay bloke sitting in the corner very softly says "meow"
2 chav lads on DLA claiming 2 be deaf were sent for a check up..first one says to the other "crafty b4ggers caught me out, told me to close the door and i shut it, other guy says "i was too smart for that, i told them to close it themselves!