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LockedHow to stop the ex mentally torturing me?

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Papa Lazarou
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2011/03/12 13:58:29 (permalink)

How to stop the ex mentally torturing me?

Its been almost 4 years since I left my ex (or should I say she left me).  We've both got partners, she's got married and we both should be happy.

However unless I do exactly what she says she will mentally bully me.  Every time she does I feel like absolute dirt.  This time its because i'm away next weekend for the expo.  I had my weekends lined up so my daughter would be with me the weekend before and after the expo but then she asked me to have her for an extra weekend meaning it clashes with the expo.  She's even known this fact for a few weeks.

Yesterday she's sent me a text saying you do realise you won't be seeing your daughter for 3 weeks (I had her last weekend).  I explained she already knew this and has for weeks and its a one off, and i'm getting to see some of the BBing greats and some of my hero's.  She texts me back saying "Whatever, its your daughters life you are missing out on, I don't care".  

She does this all time, unless I bend to her whims and wants (such as she wants to go out, like this time she's missing a friends hen night), she will send subtle messages which without being direct she knows will cut me deep and make me bleed and send me into a spin - even parents evenings where she won't let me attend and takes her hubby OR things like school concerts with the our daughter in and the sends messages saying how well my daughter sings her little part etc I cannot attend as only 2 can go and goes on and says how much i'm missing - I desperately want to be there).

Every time she does this it sends me into a spin.  She knows what she's doing and its making me feel wretched.  I've cut as much contact as I can with her bar arranging collections etc but even in these contacts she just beats me down.  I know for the rest of this weekend i'm gonna feel like crud and I would have arranged to have her this weekend but she complains if I have my daughter too often without letting her have time with my daughter when she wants.

Question is, what I can I do?  She doesn't stop me seeing my daughter, she doesn't say anything bad about how I look after my daughter is with me and she says I always support my daughter financially more than more than I have to (I over pay by around £100-150 a month) but she just mentally beats me up.  

She simply mentally tortures me.  People say i'm bitter and not trusting and each time I try to let go and let people in, she rips me apart.  So this even effects my relationship with the misses, as for that time i'm down I push her away and just sink into myself.  What do I do? 
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    john_cappa
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    Re:How to stop the ex mentally torturing me? 2011/03/12 14:06:22 (permalink)
    Do nothing. Ignore it 100%. Never let her know that she is getting to you.

    How you personally deal with the torture I dont know though


    #2
    don marcos
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    Re:How to stop the ex mentally torturing me? 2011/03/12 14:06:44 (permalink)
    As long as she still lets you see your kid thats the most important thing.

    Easy for me to say but id work on not allowing her to make me feel pissed off as opposed to trying to get her to stop trying.  Aim to be in a position where she can say what she likes but as long as you still get to see your kid its fine.
    #3
    johnny bravo
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    Re:How to stop the ex mentally torturing me? 2011/03/12 14:11:00 (permalink)
    Wish i could answer mate, but i see the same thing with my buddy and his daughter, almost the same scenario that you have yourself.
    It doesnt sound like the issue is you not seeing your daughter but you ex not being able to go on the hen night...etc
    Is her husband not able to have your daughter that particular night ?
    If it 3 weeks that you cant see her could you just alter your weekend after the g/p or the one before so you can have that weekend with her ?
    Sorry if i didnt get the weekends right.

    Papa, i think its clear that you do all you can mate, always sound like a good dad to me with your posts about your daughter, just difficult situation your in. Dont beat yourself up about it, do your best as you clearly do and things will work out from there.
    Your ex just knows she can turn the screws when it suits her to.
    post edited by johnny bravo - 2011/03/12 14:12:22

    "Knowledge is knowing that a tomato is a fruit.   Wisdom is knowing not to put it in a fruit salad"

      JIMMY'S GIMP
    #4
    ALHADO
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    Re:How to stop the ex mentally torturing me? 2011/03/12 14:13:14 (permalink)
    If she saw this thread she would realise what she set out to do has worked.

    In other words , she does it because you let her and you need to learn to ignore it. The only thing that is important is your daughter and as you already say , you have a relationship with her. so anything that ex says is not important and should be ignored.
    #5
    ALHADO
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    Re:How to stop the ex mentally torturing me? 2011/03/12 14:16:04 (permalink)
    or on the other hand you could just still have feelings for your ex and this is why it effects you.
    #6
    keyser soez 2010
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    Re:How to stop the ex mentally torturing me? 2011/03/12 14:24:01 (permalink)
    Treat them mean keep them keen!

    #7
    jack5r
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    Re:How to stop the ex mentally torturing me? 2011/03/12 14:29:31 (permalink)
    How old is you daughter? Once she is old enough to have her own mobile maybe you guys can make your plans together so you don't have to be in contact with your ex.

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    #8
    essex_chris
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    Re:How to stop the ex mentally torturing me? 2011/03/12 14:34:12 (permalink)
    Sorry to hear this PL. I know your daughter is your world, and your relationship with the ex was complicated to say the least.

    I wonder if some form of counselling might help you? It always seems clear that your ex does this intentionally, and that it does work and get to you, right to your core. I wonder if there are some ways of training yourself to deal with this specific problem. Opening up to other people like your current partner, or other friends or family just doesn't come with the same risk.

    The behaviour that you give as example are just perfect demonstrations of her trying to get her own way whenever she wants, and if she doesn't then she tries to turn it round as though you aren't making the effort to see your daughter, which on the experience i have from the way you talk, and the things you put on facebook is frankly bull****. You come across as a great dad, and put your daughter at the top of the priorities.

    Do you feel guilty now by going to the expo? It seems as though even if you might know you shouldn't that you do, which is probably just an illustration of the power your ex has and the effect that relationship has had on your life.

    Anyway, it feels like i am going on

    I have every sympathy for you fella.

    Awesome pic, but Tony you're not doing yourself many favours posting up tips on preventing the gag reflex and then a picture of a guy touching his toes - Ak
    #9
    Dhiren
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    Re:How to stop the ex mentally torturing me? 2011/03/12 14:56:49 (permalink)
    As others have said simply ignore her.  You made arrangements and she was fully aware of them and now wants to change things.  She sounds like a silly imature woman and sometimes the only way to deal with such people is to try and rise above it.  One way of maybe dealing with it is that you know she will try to get to you so learn to deal with it in an adult way, be clear, logical and factual in any dealings with her and never personal.  Good luck with it.
    #10
    CloudStrife
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    Re:How to stop the ex mentally torturing me? 2011/03/12 15:08:38 (permalink)
    Papa sorry too hear this. But the important thing is that you still get too see your daugther and its not the ex you should worry about its your daugther. As long as you make the most of your time together and your daughter knows that her father loves her and loves spending time with her I wouldnt worry about the ex at all and let her play her own mind games.
    #11
    jindlay
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    Re:How to stop the ex mentally torturing me? 2011/03/12 15:18:24 (permalink)
    Text her back: "YOU MAD?"

    failing that, john c's advice is spot on. Some people just live for a bit of drama.
    #12
    naththebeast
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    Re:How to stop the ex mentally torturing me? 2011/03/12 15:19:49 (permalink)
    its a lot easier said than done to ignore her, but if you show that it affects you then she will carry on, if when she says things about how well your daughter has done then you reply saying oh im so annoyed i missed it, then shell carry on.
    Maybe when you next see your daughter ask her if she would prefer to have you there, if, which im sure she well, she says yes then could mention this to your ex.

    It isnt true with all women, but it does seem they love to play mind games and ultimately get you wrapped around their finger, tends to be a lot of take but not much give



    #13
    markfj
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    Re:How to stop the ex mentally torturing me? 2011/03/12 15:28:29 (permalink)
    As said, ignore her... it will be very hard, judging on what you said, but as your thread title even says" mentally torture" the only person that can possibly control it, is you...if she wont stop

     


     
    #14
    doc
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    Re:How to stop the ex mentally torturing me? 2011/03/12 15:32:48 (permalink)
    Expo or not I wouldnt go 2-3 weeks without seeing my daughter , not a chance , maybe take her with you?

    I can see her point , but theres no doubt shes playing the bullying game , also the amount of money you pay is meaningless , kids need a mum & Dad and guidance and they need that everyday.
    #15
    _GM_
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    Re:How to stop the ex mentally torturing me? 2011/03/12 15:42:58 (permalink)
    doc

    Expo or not I wouldnt go 2-3 weeks without seeing my daughter , not a chance , maybe take her with you?

    I can see her point , but theres no doubt shes playing the bullying game , also the amount of money you pay is meaningless , kids need a mum & Dad and guidance and they need that everyday.

    See bold.
     
    Shcoked that you compared your daughter to body building greats.
     
    I'm not a father, i understand that seeing Branch, Roelly etc... is a once in a life time thing.
    However
    1- i'd never put that before my own flesh and blood.
    2- your ex will use this against you and try brain wash your daughter, into hating you.
    #16
    kaldog
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    Re:How to stop the ex mentally torturing me? 2011/03/12 15:57:30 (permalink)
    i thought you arranged it to see her the weekends before and after the expo...so why is it 2/3 weeks going without seeing her?

    i dont think papas putting bb'ing greats before his daughter, just that this is a one off thing and he made alternative arrangements so he can see his daughter and his bb'ing heroes (from what it sounds like). his ex trying to make him miss the expo is just being a manipulative b*tch, been there before...

    maybe speaking to a professional as chris says might help you a bit papa as you obviously have a lot of feelings over this that bother you. or you could try and stand up to her and point out you know what shes doing, that it does bother you and ask her to lay off a bit as its already hard enough being away from your daughter most of the time without her rubbing it in your face.

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    #17
    essex_chris
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    Re:How to stop the ex mentally torturing me? 2011/03/12 16:58:18 (permalink)
    He normally sees her every other week i think, i read it as he had planned it to see her each weekend either side of the expo, the ex rearranged so he would have her the weekend of the expo, and because he has tickets booked he has cancelled. so he won't see her the weekend before, or the weekend of the expo, but will the week after, so 2 weeks off = 3 weeks without seeing his daughter.

    Awesome pic, but Tony you're not doing yourself many favours posting up tips on preventing the gag reflex and then a picture of a guy touching his toes - Ak
    #18
    kaldog
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    Re:How to stop the ex mentally torturing me? 2011/03/12 17:04:26 (permalink)
    ah i see, makes sense now.

    whats the custody agreement papa? i mean your ex gets your daughter all the time and you only get to see her on alternate weekends....does your wife have the right to tell you thats the only weekend you can see her?

    she sounds horrible and manipulative papa, hope you sort something out

    Current goals: get back in the game
     
    #19
    Stocky_Mike
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    Re:How to stop the ex mentally torturing me? 2011/03/12 17:16:29 (permalink)
    Pretty simple.. Miss the expo and see your daughter 3 weekends running... 
    #20
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