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Lifes unwritten rules

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jango
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2008/05/18 10:45:51 (permalink)
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Lifes unwritten rules

When in a public toilet and faced with more than two urinals, if one is in use you must never use the next one along. Always keep at least one urinals distance between yourself and other users where possible. If you don't adhere to this rule you may well find yourself being fondled in your private places.

If faced with exactly three urinals, none of which being in use. You must never use the one in the middle, when you use the one in the middle unnecesarily you force others to break the previous rule above.

When in a public place such as a restaurant, train or bus. Avoid sitting directly opposite someone, as you will find yourself making eye contact with them for no obvious reason. The more you try not to look them in the eye, the more you will keep looking them in the eye. They will then become nervous of you, and either run for their lives or stab you.

When in the company of a friend/acquaintence and his wife/girlfriend, under no circumstances should you make said wife/acquaintence laugh more than her husband/partner does. This will very likely lead to him thinking you're trying to get busy with his missus, and you will get stabbed.

Any others?
#1

57 Replies Related Threads

    Furyan
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    RE: Lifes unwritten rules 2008/05/18 10:50:51 (permalink)
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    When in the company of a friend/acquaintence and his wife/girlfriend, under no circumstances should you make said wife/acquaintence laugh more than her husband/partner does. This will very likely lead to him thinking you're trying to get busy with his missus, and you will get stabbed.

    Any others?


    That one made me laugh!

    When with your partner, never ever make eye contact with an attractive female who is not with your group. If it does accidently happen, discount it ever did! Similarly, if a female is eyeing you up, act like you havent noticed, and never do!

    " Do not tell me to play the hand i've been dealt. To hell with the cards and damn the dealer! Any man can achieve anything if he works hard enough, and thats the truth of it. Go at it with all that you are, and it is within your reach"
    #2
    Indianabol Jones
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    RE: Lifes unwritten rules 2008/05/18 10:56:54 (permalink)
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    When your partner asks you if you find X attractive, never say yes/they're ok/not half or any other positive variant.
    The correct answer is always No. Or pick a fault and exaggerate it until you see your partner nod or smile.

    *Note - Your partner may say "But you've got to admit s/he does have nice eyes/legs/arse/chest" - It's a trick question.
    Never agree or you will then fall into a human steel-jaw trap that will take months of arse kissing to get out of.



     
     
    "As seen on Crimewatch."
     
    #3
    Griff87
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    RE: Lifes unwritten rules 2008/05/18 10:58:47 (permalink)
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    Always give way to everyday car users, sometimes give way to people in expensive cars who look like C**ks and never ever give way to taxi drivers because they never do for you!

    The pain may come over you, but don't let it overcome you.
    #4
    Wes Borland
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    RE: Lifes unwritten rules 2008/05/18 11:02:02 (permalink)
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    Not really a rule but a cunumdrum.

    When on public transport and your sat beside someone but virtually all seats become available what do you do?

    Do you a) Keep sitting there so as not to appear rude i.e like they have farted or b) do you sit there and potentially feel like a weirdo?
    #5
    Griff87
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    RE: Lifes unwritten rules 2008/05/18 11:04:48 (permalink)
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    Feel like a wierdo, it would be wierder to move away. Its not likely that you would be on a bus/train for so long that it went from completely full to empty anyway.

    The pain may come over you, but don't let it overcome you.
    #6
    Griff87
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    RE: Lifes unwritten rules 2008/05/18 11:06:22 (permalink)
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    Also mate a) and b) are both the same. =keep sitting there. lol

    The pain may come over you, but don't let it overcome you.
    #7
    jango
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    RE: Lifes unwritten rules 2008/05/18 11:13:29 (permalink)
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    ORIGINAL: Constantine

    Not really a rule but a cunumdrum.

    When on public transport and your sat beside someone but virtually all seats become available what do you do?

    Do you a) Keep sitting there so as not to appear rude i.e like they have farted or b) do you sit there and potentially feel like a weirdo?


    I always move away, but I tend to look at the person I have moved from to see their reaction and it's usually one of relief.

    I don't think it's the smell of wee, but I'm a big old lump and train/bus seats were seemingly only built to accomodate Frodo of the shire.
    #8
    Wes Borland
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    RE: Lifes unwritten rules 2008/05/18 11:15:52 (permalink)
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    ORIGINAL: Griff87

    Also mate a) and b) are both the same. =keep sitting there. lol


    Yeah sorry I meant move away lol. I usually move away and make a point of stretching my legs in an exaggerated manner so as to imply I moved for the sole purpose of stretching lol.
    #9
    Dick Dastardly
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    RE: Lifes unwritten rules 2008/05/18 11:18:43 (permalink)
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    i've got one not really a rule i guess but generally happens to most peeps i know.

    when on a night out as soon as you close the door of the taxi and it pulls off you instantly need to pee, even if you went just before leaving the bar.

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    #10
    The Tractor
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    RE: Lifes unwritten rules 2008/05/18 11:23:18 (permalink)
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    No matter what under-crackers I wear, I always hang to the left.....
    #11
    I Am A Myth
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    RE: Lifes unwritten rules 2008/05/18 11:27:16 (permalink)
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    Do not under any circumstances eat yellow snow.
    #12
    Griff87
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    RE: Lifes unwritten rules 2008/05/18 11:30:32 (permalink)
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    On the taxi theme, If your lucky enough to be in a taxi with all girls on a night out, you sit in the front with the driver and talk about man stuff (cars, training, beards etc LOL) while they sit in the back, and discuss make up, dresses etc. lol

    The pain may come over you, but don't let it overcome you.
    #13
    drab4
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    RE: Lifes unwritten rules 2008/05/18 12:44:54 (permalink)
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    ORIGINAL: I Am A Myth

    Do not under any circumstances eat yellow snow.

    Not even if it's lemon sorbet?


    #14
    I Am A Myth
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    RE: Lifes unwritten rules 2008/05/18 12:50:06 (permalink)
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    ORIGINAL: drab4


    ORIGINAL: I Am A Myth

    Do not under any circumstances eat yellow snow.

    Not even if it's lemon sorbet?





    Now that i would pay to see!
    #15
    tma1
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    RE: Lifes unwritten rules 2008/05/18 13:15:44 (permalink)
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    ORIGINAL: jango

    When in a public toilet and faced with more than two urinals, if one is in use you must never use the next one along. Always keep at least one urinals distance between yourself and other users where possible. If you don't adhere to this rule you may well find yourself being fondled in your private places.

    If faced with exactly three urinals, none of which being in use. You must never use the one in the middle, when you use the one in the middle unnecesarily you force others to break the previous rule above.

    When in a public place such as a restaurant, train or bus. Avoid sitting directly opposite someone, as you will find yourself making eye contact with them for no obvious reason. The more you try not to look them in the eye, the more you will keep looking them in the eye. They will then become nervous of you, and either run for their lives or stab you.

    When in the company of a friend/acquaintence and his wife/girlfriend, under no circumstances should you make said wife/acquaintence laugh more than her husband/partner does. This will very likely lead to him thinking you're trying to get busy with his missus, and you will get stabbed.

    Any others?



    when in doubt find a phone box
    #16
    Papa Lazarou
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    RE: Lifes unwritten rules 2008/05/18 13:22:38 (permalink)
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    When you get out of a place where you can go, one of the 1st times you stay at a new GFs house, you will always need to dump but ONLY when the whole house is deathly quiet and/or next door to your GFs room. You are always desperate to go and desperate not to fart loudly ultimatley ending in a bad belly...
    #17
    daveshow
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    RE: Lifes unwritten rules 2008/05/18 13:42:00 (permalink)
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    ORIGINAL: Papa Lazarou

    When you get out of a place where you can go, one of the 1st times you stay at a new GFs house, you will always need to dump but ONLY when the whole house is deathly quiet and/or next door to your GFs room. You are always desperate to go and desperate not to fart loudly ultimatley ending in a bad belly...



    I know exactly what you mean its the worst thing in the world and it always make a really loud plop

     


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    #18
    Papa Lazarou
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    RE: Lifes unwritten rules 2008/05/18 15:33:10 (permalink)
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    Mama Lazarou says the way around this is to layer the water with toilet roll. Problem here that it may be too much and ultimatley block it instead - imagine the wash over into the room with a special treat floating around next to the sink...
    #19
    wysiwyg
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    RE: Lifes unwritten rules 2008/05/18 15:41:14 (permalink)
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    1 no matter what occurs, who is involved and what time of day it is you must rush home to a computer to post the story on muscletalk.co.uk in the hope of obtaining a number of 'rofl' or 'lol' or even 'pmsl' comments

    2 do not try and be rude with door security whilst they are at work if you are female, you will never win

    3 do not put your ipod on shuffle when there is company in your car as there is no acceptable reason for 'let's get ready to rumble' by pj and duncan coming on

    4 when you see houses that are different you must make a post fao tuc so that he can travel and research said location of house
    #20
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