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Helpful ReplyLoneliness - is it anyone's fault?

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Blub2abs
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2014/12/04 09:10:50 (permalink)

Loneliness - is it anyone's fault?

This is inspired by that 'Christmas' thread, a few of the lads were talking about people who are basically friendless.
 
Is that anyone's fault? 
I feel pretty bad for people who will be alone that day, for one reason or another.  I would gladly invite nearly anyone I know who is alone over to mine.
 
I just got back from 5 months in Germany where I had to make friends from scratch, and made quite a few friends for life, but if someone CAN'T make friends - well, who needs to sort that out? 
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The_Lone_Wolf
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Re: Loneliness - is it anyone's fault? 2014/12/04 09:37:20 (permalink)
If you asked this question 20 years ago, people would have answered differently...
 
These days, kids are put into brackets of varying levels of the autistic scale and it is accepted that they will struggle with various aspects of life. Communication and forming friendships being one of them.
 
20 plus years ago people were just seen as odd, weird, unfriendly etc and left to their own devices.   

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Rasputin
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Re: Loneliness - is it anyone's fault? 2014/12/04 09:55:37 (permalink)
Genuinely like spending Xmas on my own. I am neither friendless or weird ( I don't think) but I know people who are both and quite honestly they are pretty happy so leave them to it. 

Ra Ra Rasputin lover of the Russian Queen, Ra Ra Ra Rasputin Russia's greatest love machine (Allegedly)
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makaveli1971 1996
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Re: Loneliness - is it anyone's fault? 2014/12/04 10:16:11 (permalink)
Rasputin
Genuinely like spending Xmas on my own. I am neither friendless or weird ( I don't think) but I know people who are both and quite honestly they are pretty happy so leave them to it. 


The more and more I read your posts, the more and more you sound like me.

If you love something let it go,if it comes back to you it's yours,if it doesn't it never was.
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brittas
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Re: Loneliness - is it anyone's fault? 2014/12/04 10:21:46 (permalink)
Everything is under our control I firmly believe.
 
Sorry to sound like a broken record..... I feel like I mention my current predicament in every thread..... but I recently split from my wife and I could very easily have ended up very lonely.  Yes, I have got some great friends that date back to my childhood, but they are now spread around the country and are settled with kids and stuff.
 
I am actively finding new friends, looking up old friends, keeping myself busy.  Socialising more with work, which is something I couldn't be bothered with before.  I've joined a running club.... off the back of that I must've added 20 new friends to Facebook and there's a big Xmas night out coming up in a few weeks.  I'll now be entering running events as part of a team rather than on my own.  And yes, there are a few fit girls that go!
 
Many years ago when I was younger I was painfully shy in all aspects of life and I pretty much forced myself to get over this.  Both from a work point of view as I knew it would hold me back, and meeting girls.  I'll talk to anyone now.
 
Unless there's some serious issues going on, there's no need for anyone to be lonely.
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Lay
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Re: Loneliness - is it anyone's fault? 2014/12/04 10:57:40 (permalink)
Some people enjoy it - as per Ras and Mak above - whereas some some don't (stating the obvious, I know). It's a sad fact that some of those who don't want to spend it alone do, and some that do want to spend it alone don't (humbug, etc). This Xmas my gf's mate was due to spend it alone after her Mum decided not to celebrate as the Dad was in hospital after being near death, but recovering now (albeit very, very slowly, and will never be the same person again). So I asked if she wanted to come and have a Xmas celebration and dinner with us instead. Would it have been my fault she was alone on Xmas if I hadn't asked? Not directly, no; but it is a human/e thing to do I think.
 
On the contrary I'd be willing to provide an alibi if a mate wanted to spend it alone! 
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Rasputin
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Re: Loneliness - is it anyone's fault? 2014/12/04 13:21:49 (permalink)
makaveli1971 1996
Rasputin
Genuinely like spending Xmas on my own. I am neither friendless or weird ( I don't think) but I know people who are both and quite honestly they are pretty happy so leave them to it. 


The more and more I read your posts, the more and more you sound like me.



Its ok Mak when we get to hell who ever is there first save the other a seat by the fire 

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Oldy
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Re: Loneliness - is it anyone's fault? 2014/12/04 17:23:47 (permalink)
Everyone is different, i don't know if it is anyone fault for them being lonely, circumstances will dictate that.
 
I am single and have been for most of my life and with very few friends, that's the way i like it, i am just not into 'small talk' and just don't see the point so hence why i don't go looking to make friends.
 
Sometimes i do get a bit lonely but not for long, i am happy with my life and the way that i have chosen to live it, i have siblings who i may see once in a blue moon and don't hardly to talk to them on the phone for months or years at a time.
 
That's just ME!
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makaveli1971 1996
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Re: Loneliness - is it anyone's fault? 2014/12/04 17:59:36 (permalink)
Rasputin
makaveli1971 1996
Rasputin
Genuinely like spending Xmas on my own. I am neither friendless or weird ( I don't think) but I know people who are both and quite honestly they are pretty happy so leave them to it. 


The more and more I read your posts, the more and more you sound like me.



Its ok Mak when we get to hell who ever is there first save the other a seat by the fire 



If you love something let it go,if it comes back to you it's yours,if it doesn't it never was.
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dirtyvest
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Re: Loneliness - is it anyone's fault? 2014/12/04 18:11:28 (permalink)
Yeah, circumstances for everyone vary...
 
My step son, for all our various clashes, disputes and FFS-I-give-up's is having to anti-depressants Rx'ed and being referred to a psychologist due to getting 'dark thought' which primarily centre around him being a complete loner and social recluse.
 
The catch is he has largely created the situation himself; he's very judgemental of others, thinks he knows more and is better than everyone else and therefore doesn't tolerate others at all. Equally they soon form a very low opinion of him too. He lost his job last month (3rd one a little over a year he's been sacked from) and this time didn't land instantly on his feet, as such it has dawned on him that despite claiming he was always happy with his lot he doesn't actually have anyone beyond his computer screen. Literally no-one, never goes out or anything.
 
He has had therapy before, and this does become an issue because a) he tells people what he thinks they want to hear rarely tells them what they NEED to know and b) again he thinks he knows better than them and rarely takes on board what he is told, or applies it.

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Blub2abs
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Re: Loneliness - is it anyone's fault? 2014/12/04 18:23:21 (permalink)
dirtyvest
Yeah, circumstances for everyone vary...
 
My step son, for all our various clashes, disputes and FFS-I-give-up's is having to anti-depressants Rx'ed and being referred to a psychologist due to getting 'dark thought' which primarily centre around him being a complete loner and social recluse.
 
The catch is he has largely created the situation himself; he's very judgemental of others, thinks he knows more and is better than everyone else and therefore doesn't tolerate others at all. Equally they soon form a very low opinion of him too. He lost his job last month (3rd one a little over a year he's been sacked from) and this time didn't land instantly on his feet, as such it has dawned on him that despite claiming he was always happy with his lot he doesn't actually have anyone beyond his computer screen. Literally no-one, never goes out or anything.
 
He has had therapy before, and this does become an issue because a) he tells people what he thinks they want to hear rarely tells them what they NEED to know and b) again he thinks he knows better than them and rarely takes on board what he is told, or applies it.




Reminds me a lot of my younger self, but with reclusive and drug-taking tendencies added. 
 
Obviously I don't know your son but I too have a damn low opinion of most people, and spent most of my youthful career in one dismissal meeting after the other.  I also have a low opinion of people who cling to one job, as a contractor who hops every 3-6-12 months I've never been happier.
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dirtyvest
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Re: Loneliness - is it anyone's fault? 2014/12/04 18:42:15 (permalink)
(I've been in my job for 17 years PMSL, but TBH I have a fairly low opinion of myself for doing so too LOL)
 
He doesn't have the drug taking tendancies.... he's a really bad asthmatic and the way he doesn't control it probably would lend itself to such habits. He has a rock bottom opinion of anyone who takes drugs yet he lounges about drinking bottles of crabbies every day getting fatter and fatter.
 
He did get a job but had no ID, lost his birth certificate, took him 2 days to come round and collect the payment proof he needed so JSA would pay for it for him, then took him another week to get it ordered. Unbelievably slack, he could have been working 2 weeks ago if he'd pulled his finger out and this is with all of us doing the leg work for him cos he doesn't have the means.... and still looks down on us all like mud

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WhiteSnake
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Re: Loneliness - is it anyone's fault? 2014/12/04 18:56:13 (permalink)☄ Helpfulby rightyho 2014/12/06 12:24:47
I just hope when I'd old that I'm not stood there at the checkout still talking to the cashier who has long since given me my change. Only to shuffle over to the seats behind the checkouts for an hour or two.
That kind of loneliness I could do without.
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The_Lone_Wolf
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Re: Loneliness - is it anyone's fault? 2014/12/05 09:32:51 (permalink)
dirtyvest
(I've been in my job for 17 years PMSL, but TBH I have a fairly low opinion of myself for doing so too LOL)
 
He doesn't have the drug taking tendancies.... he's a really bad asthmatic and the way he doesn't control it probably would lend itself to such habits. He has a rock bottom opinion of anyone who takes drugs yet he lounges about drinking bottles of crabbies every day getting fatter and fatter.
 
He did get a job but had no ID, lost his birth certificate, took him 2 days to come round and collect the payment proof he needed so JSA would pay for it for him, then took him another week to get it ordered. Unbelievably slack, he could have been working 2 weeks ago if he'd pulled his finger out and this is with all of us doing the leg work for him cos he doesn't have the means.... and still looks down on us all like mud




DV, sounds like a nightmare for you mate because you can't win in this situation. 
 
Some people just need to be left to their own devices though to get that rude awakening. Lifes what you make it and hopefully he can see he needs to pull his finger out and be a man.
 
 

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paulthebuilder
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Re: Loneliness - is it anyone's fault? 2014/12/06 12:32:00 (permalink)☄ Helpfulby chorleylad 2014/12/06 21:25:43
An interesting thread for sure.
 
On the average, I will spend 111 of the 112 hours a week that I am not in work on my own/in my own company.
 
The hour I am communicating with people on a 1:1 basis is generally time at the gym - probably 15 minutes of people time for each of four weekly visits.
 
I have a lot of acquaintances - mostly Polish for no particular reason other than I can relate to their work ethic in the gym - and they are always inviting me round for beer (or sometimes beer and sausage, lmao), or to go out for the night with a bunch of them.
 
"I introduce you to Katya" (or any other name) is another line of trying to get me to go out.
 
Going out and making friends is, to me, the easiest thing in the world - it's just a case of combining body language and speech.
 
But I actively choose not to do it.
 
I would rather invest an evening into study than going on the beer.
 
So, being "on my own" is entirely my fault.
 
But lonely? I reckon I'm one of a handful who could do a slow trip to mars in complete isolation in a capsule with nothing but water and powdered foods, and arrive back to earth five years later relatively mentally unharmed.
 
I value my own company.
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northumbriman
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Re: Loneliness - is it anyone's fault? 2014/12/06 17:10:13 (permalink)
Oh boy, can of worms on this one. I have a child who has been diagnosed with high functioning autism, in that process it became obvious to me and my wife that he is a mirror of my early life so I am getting tested myself. As mentioned in the thread when I was a child I was seen as an odd loner who struggled to make or keep friends. These days I find it easy enough to interact sufficiently in normal social situations that I can pass myself as "normal" but I still have few friends. Its bothers me far less now as I appreciate the few friends I have got but there are times where I still find it hard to work out socail interactions or judge my own responses properly. It often leaves me on the fringes of groups and i avoid many situations on purpose. It is much MUCH harder for kids who are forced into the social nightmare of school. I can choose my situations (apart from work) he cant. Loneliness in these cases is due to lack of understanding.
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evertonfc
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Re: Loneliness - is it anyone's fault? 2014/12/07 18:57:15 (permalink)
northumbriman
Oh boy, can of worms on this one. I have a child who has been diagnosed with high functioning autism, in that process it became obvious to me and my wife that he is a mirror of my early life so I am getting tested myself. As mentioned in the thread when I was a child I was seen as an odd loner who struggled to make or keep friends. These days I find it easy enough to interact sufficiently in normal social situations that I can pass myself as "normal" but I still have few friends. Its bothers me far less now as I appreciate the few friends I have got but there are times where I still find it hard to work out socail interactions or judge my own responses properly. It often leaves me on the fringes of groups and i avoid many situations on purpose. It is much MUCH harder for kids who are forced into the social nightmare of school. I can choose my situations (apart from work) he cant. Loneliness in these cases is due to lack of understanding


Snap, I've was diagnosed in the last year and now waiting find out about the little feller.
Being aware really helps though, esp as it pattern behaviour and respones.
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Rob Reynolds
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Re: Loneliness - is it anyone's fault? 2014/12/09 20:30:45 (permalink)
It is very hard to tell whether people are lonely by their own choice or because they don't have good social skills. I have been alone for a long part of my life and it was never hard for me, but as I am growing up and fitting in the work aspect of life, I have learned that it is important to socialize and indulge with people even if my social skills are weak.
 
Some people have serious problems so they choose to stay lonely, feeling bad or sorry for them makes it worse for them so I just tend to ignore.
 
In today's time especially with the movement of people from one country to another, the issue of loneliness has become very common. I am one of the guys who is comfortable hanging out lonely or even with friends, so the issue of loneliness was never a problem for me.
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Re: Loneliness - is it anyone's fault? 2014/12/09 23:17:41 (permalink)
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Rob Reynolds
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Re: Loneliness - is it anyone's fault? 2014/12/10 16:58:36 (permalink)
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