TOP TIPS - VIZ
I Have recently started to m*sturbate whilst fantasising about Jeanette
Krankie. My problem is that I cannot work out whether I am gay, straight or
a paed*phile. What do your readers think?
COULD the Home Secretary explain to me how biometric checks on iris patterns
and fingerprints are going to help keep tabs on Abu Hamsa?
Les Barnsley, Barnsley
'ONE pound a week will supply water for an entire village in Tanzania', says
Oxfam. So how come United Utilities charge me twenty pounds a month for my
three bedroom semi? The fleecing b*st*rds.
Tracey Cusick, Cumbria
HOW come rap artist Dr. Dre can use the 'N' word on his multi-million
selling albums and win a MOBO award, yet when I used it at my son's football
match I was asked to leave the park? Once again, it's one law for the rich
and another for the poor.
Reg Ashcroft, Bradford
So HMV consider Andy Williams and Dean Martin to be "easy listening" do
they? Try telling that to my mate Andy. He's been deaf for 20 years.
They say "you can't judge a book by its cover". What nonsense. The last
edition of 'High School An*l' that I bought featured a young lady stuffing a
big one up her bomb-bay on the front page, and this turned out to be an
excellent indication of the contents.
According to Nietzsche, 'That which does not kill me makes me stronger'. I'm
sure my grandad would not agree. He suffered a series of massive strokes in
the early '90s which have left him an incontinent vegetable for the past 12
A Thorne, Sandbach
The recent suicide of Harold Shipman has thrown up some interesting
questions. For a start, does Shipman killing himself take his official tally
up to 216, or does it count as an own goal? Where does this final score
place our national champ in the world league table?
I was shocked to hear former Home Secretary David Blunkett say that
Britain's prison population has been ballooning for the past ten years. My
God, has the world gone mad? Those people are there to be punished, not to
be given 'thrill of a lifetime' experiences that most law abiding citizens
can only dream of.
Mrs Close, Headingley
The government says that there are nearly 50,000 people with HIV in Britain,
a third of whom do not even know that they have it. Is it just me, or is it
a bit harsh that the government know and haven't told the poor s*ds? John
It's all very well Meg Ryan getting her kit off for her new film, but why
wasn't she doing it twenty years ago before her puppies hit the pan?
Alan Pick, Kingston-upon-Toast
I would like to thank Darren of Chelsea for not coming to Australia with
Jenny. She is a great sh*g. Thanks again.
Hats off to the witty burglars who stole my entire CD collection with the
exception of "There is Nothing Left to Lose" by the Foo Fighters. I hope
that when sentencing, the judge takes into account their splendid sense of
Chris Scaife, Jesmond