cant stop bingeing......HELP!!!!
im gonna start from as near to the beginning as i can, a number or years ago i suffered from anorexia & the after bein force fed this turned into bulimia where i would throw up what ever i was made to eat, which then led to bingeing & purging & excessive exercise which i also used to do when i had anorexia, after being caught throwing up several times and blocking the sink/toilet therefor being found out again i went to laxative abuse where i would take in excess of 30 laxatives at times. after some therapy i sorted myself out and have been 'clean' for about 2 years
i decided to compete in a show in may just gone in fitness (due to my gymnastic/cheerleading background & love of training) i dieted down & it was in the fianl 4 weeks upto the show when my carbs were very low that it happened again & i binged.....
it may not sound to bad compared to some binges i have read about on here but i ate my way through a whole box of dry special k sustain & i couldnt stop myself, it was like somthing had took over & before i knew it the box was empty, i burst into tears straight away disgusted with myself for what i had done. i then spent 3 days in such a mess, crying & feeling completely worthless & weak (i even burst into tears in the middle of one of my workouts & i got the strangest looks from everyone lol)
the binges happened a couple of more times b4 the show, but werent to bad
i competed in the show & i won (granted i was the only one to enter in the miss fitness category but hey, a wins a win hahaha)
then.... thats when it went down hill, i planned on having a week of eating what i wanted but that week has turned into 7 so far, i love cakes, biscuits, chocolate & anythin with simple sugars really, all the stuff i couldnt eat whilst dieting. i try not to buy it in, iv hidden the car keys, made sure iv had no cash on me, drank alcohol so i cant drive (iv ended up walkin to tesco/corner shop) put my pjs on & taken my make up off when ive got home so i dont wanna go out (i just get changed & go out anyway) etc etc but the urge is uncontrollable & i end up going to the corner shop/supermarket & buying everything & eating it all telling myself if its all gone i cant do it again tomorrow..... i eat till i feel physically sick & then when it passes i eat some more & on occasion i have even took laxatives in order to get 'rid' of it, i end up crying myself to sleep & telling myself i wont do it again & ill eat clean tomorrow
i spent 14weeks getting myself in shape for that show & in 7wks i have put it all back on & undone all that hard work & im so down about it, i have seen my doctor and told her my problem & i have been referred for help due to previous eating disorders & depression but i have to wait 6 weeks untill there will be an available apt, i think im going to have to go back sooner tho as i cant carry on doing this
today started off good but after my dinner of chicken & rice i have eaten & this is a good day
2 greggs belgian buns
nutella,peanut butter & banana sandwich (sounds gross but i love it)
2 packets of fig rolls
2 kit kat peanut butter crunchies
3 german wafer chocolate bar things
i have been training loads in order to try and burn it off & hopefully stop myself from doin it but its not happening, i have tried appetite suppressants but it doesnt even matter if im hungry or not, i just binge anyway.
im not expecting anyone to come up with a miracle cure as i no there isnt one, i just needed to get this out & hopefully it might help me make sense of it & if there are other peoople out there doing the same to know they are not on their own..... ill keep you posted on my progress,
if u made it to the bottom of this post. . . WELL DONE!!