A NUN WAS SITTING AT THE AIRPORT, WAITING FOR HER FLIGHT TO CHICAGO. SHE
> > LOOKED OVER IN THE CORNER AND SAW ONE OF THOSE WEIGHT MACHINES THAT TELLS
> > YOUR FORTUNE AND THOUGHT TO HERSELF, 'I'LL GIVE IT A TRY AND SEE WHAT IT
> > TELLS ME.'
> > SHE WENT OVER TO THE MACHINE, STEPPED UP ON THE SCALE AND PUT HER NICKEL
> > IN. OUT CAME A CARD THAT READ, 'YOU ARE A NUN, YOU WEIGH 128 LBS, AND
> > YOU
> > ARE GOING TO CHICAGO.'
> > THE NUN SET BACK DOWN. SHE TOLD HERSELF THAT THE MACHINE PROBABLY GIVES
> > THE SAME CARD TO EVERYONE. THE MORE SHE THOUGHT ABOUT IT THE MORE
> > CURIOUS
> > SHE GOT SO SHE DECIDED TO TRY IT AGAIN. SHE WENT BACK TO THE MACHINE AND
> > AGAIN PUT HER NICKEL IN, AND OUT CAME A CARD THAT READ, 'YOU ARE A NUN,
> > YOU
> > WEIGH 128 LBS, YOU ARE GOING TO CHICAGO AND YOU ARE GOING TO PLAY A
> > FIDDLE.'
> > THE NUN SAYS TO HERSELF, 'I KNOW THAT IS WRONG, I HAVE NEVER PLAYED A
> > MUSICAL INSTRUMENT EVEN ONCE IN MY LIFE.'
> > SHE SET BACK DOWN.
> > FROM OUT OF NOWHERE A COWBOY CAME OVER AND SAT DOWN, PUTTING HIS FIDDLE
> > CASE ON THE SEAT BETWEEN THEM. WITHOUT THINKING, SHE OPENED THE COWBOY'S
> > CASE, TOOK OUT THE FIDDLE, AND STARTED PLAYING BEAUTIFUL MUSIC.
> > SURPRISED
> > AT WHAT SHE HAD DONE, SHE LOOKED OVER AT THE MACHINE, THINKING, 'THIS IS
> > INCREDIBLE, I'VE GOT TO TRY THIS AGAIN.'
> > BACK TO THE MACHINE SHE WENT, PUT IN ANOTHER NICKEL, AND ANOTHER CARD
> > CAME
> > OUT. IT READ, 'YOU ARE A NUN, YOU WEIGH 128 LBS , YOU ARE GOING TO
> > CHICAGO AND YOU ARE GOING TO BREAK WIND.'
> > NOW SHE KNOWS THE MACHINE IS WRONG AS SHE THOUGHT TO HERSELF, 'I'VE NEVER
> > BROKEN WIND IN PUBLIC A SINGLE TIME IN MY LIFE.' BUT GETTING DOWN OFF THE
> > MACHINE SHE SLIPPED, AND AS SHE WAS STRAINING TO KEEP HERSELF FROM
> > FALLING
> > TO THE FLOOR, SHE BROKE WIND. ABSOLUTELY STUNNED, SHE SAT BACK DOWN AND
> > LOOKED AT THE MACHINE. SHE SAID TO HERSELF, 'THIS IS TRULY REMARKABLE.
> > I'VE GOT TO TRY THIS AGAIN.'
> > SHE WENT BACK TO THE MACHINE, PUT IN ANOTHER NICKEL, AND ANOTHER CARD
> > CAME
> > OUT. IT READ, 'YOU ARE A NUN, YOU WEIGH 128 LBS, YOU HAVE FIDDLED AND
> > FARTED AROUND AND MISSED YOUR FLIGHT TO CHICAGO.'
A man with a bald head and a wooden leg is invited to a Xmas fancy dress party.
He doesn't know what to wear to hide his head and his wooden leg, so he writes to a fancy dress company to explain his problem.
A few days later he receives a parcel with a note:
Please find enclosed a Pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and with your wooden leg you will be just right as a Pirate.
The man is offended that the outfit emphasizes his disability, so he writes a letter of complaint.
A week passes and he receives another parcel and note:
Sorry about the previous parcel. Please find enclosed a monk's habit. The long robe will cover your wooden leg and with your bald head you will really look the part.
The man is really incandescent with rage now, because the company has gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to drawing attention to his bald head.
So he writes a really strong letter of complaint.
A few days later he gets a very small parcel from the company with the accompanying letter:
Please find enclosed a tin of Golden Syrup. We suggest you pour the tin of Golden Syrup over your bald head, stick your wooden leg up your arse and go as a toffee apple.
A little girl asked her mother, 'How did the human race appear?'
The mother answered, 'God made Adam and Eve and they had children and so was all mankind made.'
Later, the girl asked her father the same question.
The father answered, 'Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human race evolved.'
The confused girl returned to her mother and said, 'Mom how is it possible that you told me the human race was created by God, and Dad said they developed from monkeys?'
The mother answered, 'Well, dear, it is very simple. I told you about my side of the family and your father told you about his.'