how to deal with her "pyscho ex bf"???
serious situation ive got myself in here! and im going to look like a mug, but ive got nobody else's advice to ask as its too embarrasing to tell in its entirety to friends/family or they will end up hating my mrs!
here goes, this is a long one!!! please read tho, any advice much appreciated!
basically me and my mrs split up on tuesday last week, after a few days of texting, speaking on the phone and my going round to see her at her mums house, i asked her to go out for a meal on friday, and she said yes. as it happens we ended up getting a take away and eating in, we got talking about us and eventually i asked her if we could give it another go, and she said we could. obviously im over the moon at this point...
until that is, about 1 hour later i receive a phone call: "listen mate, you dont know who i am, but i know who you are, im gonna smash your face in, ill fcuking kill you....." another couple of minutes of a tirade of abuse.
now at 1st i thought this was a wind up - then i remember the mrs' ex bf, who is in prison, when i hear his accent, identical to my mrs' slightly manc dialect, i say to her "is this you ex?" and pass the phone over. he hangs up by the time she gets my phone.
phone rings again 5 minutes later, same guy, this time "put *mrs' name* on" to which i reply "who is this" same thing between us a few times, then i pass the phone over (im still not sure at this point that it is him, altho its quite obvious looking back, and perhaps i should have denied all knowledge of knowing the mrs) so he speaks to her asking "what you doing" and she hang up on him and confirms it is her ex.
she then bursts into tears and doesnt stop crying all night saying how shocked she is he has managed to track down my phone number, saying he will never leave her alone and let her be happy etc and crucially she mentions he will stir things up between me and her and cause us to split up again! she suggests we move away and i tell her id do anything to keep her safe.
bit of background on her ex, and why we should fear the idiot. he has been inside 2x both for violent crimes including bottling somebody on a night out. he has a criminal record as long as my arm. he has beaten the mrs up several times before, once pushing her down a flight of stairs. he has also cheated on her 5x to her knowledge - yet she has ALWAYS taken him back... and here is where the plot thickens further, and i look like the biggest mug in the world!
along with the phone calls the night before, i received a few texts. the 1st one threatening "...she is the love of my life, if you think im going to sit back and watch you be with her you are in for a big shock. see you soon."
but also then i think he is trying to play mind games - he texts saying "ring me and ill tell you everything" then next a text which looks like it was sent to him by my mrs, but upon questioning her she assures me it wasnt her which wrote the text. i take her word for it, i have no reason not too.
well, the next day, along come the revalations!!
turns out she has actually been speaking and texting him since we split on the tuesday. worse, she has been telling him she still loves him, misses him etc. APPARENTLY there was no talk of a reconcilliation. but the text he sent me which was in fact from her to him, was iirc "im leaving my phone here so adam doesnt take it
(its my actual phone, i pay for it etc, gave it her so she had a new phone/number so he couldnt contact her) so dont panic im collecting my stuff from adams, i love you so much, ill ring you when im bk, i love you ste x"
... WORSE STILL - she wrote this text while i was waiting for her to come out for a meal with me on the friday in the lounge in her mums house, while she was writing this to him in her mums bedroom!
well, ive never been so heart broken and hurt in my life as when she owned up to having sent that to him. she tells me she just really cares for him and she only texted she loves him cos he likes to hear that etc. further to this, when she left on the tuesday i was speaking to her mum and she tells me her d1ckhead ex is due out in 5 weeks, and my mrs knew about this! she hadnt told me tho! as far as i knew he was still due out in november. why did my mrs keep this info from me? she had known for about 10 days and said nothing. both her mum and my initial thoughts were she had split with me to be with him. i said to her mum, if she got back with me, obviously she didnt want to be with him, but if she stayed split with me its obviously him she wanted. incidentally her mum lives round the corner from his mum, where he will live when he comes out! if she moved back to her mums there would be no escaping him!
anyhoo, cue tears from her, tears from me
and her begging me to let her stay etc. i told her the best i could possibly think of this situation was that a) she wasnt actually with me when she talked to him, b) she could go there and then to be with him, but wouldnt leave c) she had at least told the truth (eventually) d) she was absolutely inconsolable about events the night before with the phone calls and the day after with the revalations of speaking to him e) also she wants to move away with me, cut off all their mutual contacts (i.e anyone, all her friends that live in the area and might get her new number/address wont be allowed it). best i can hope for is that she does still actually love him, and got emotional to speak to him again, but that she loves me more and will do anything to be with me and make it right (which is what she says she will do)
however, as we talk i also find out "nobody knows me better than him, ive always gone to him with my problems".. so then if i still went away with her, whats to stop this happening again?
basically i know i should probably finish with her for what she has done, she has riled him up even more now all of a sudden giving her number to him, saying she loves him etc, then trying to cut him completely out again. she really has put us in even more danger than we were before (i always thought he would come looking for her, so did her mum, it was just my delightfully niave mrs that thought he wouldnt)
im willing to give up the life i know and love to run away with her, something i really dont want to do, but i believe she does want to be with me, and i love her above anything else and i want to be with her. i feel we need to move away to protect her, and myself, my property etc. but i also fear maybe she is running away from her true feelings, and that she will always have a soft spot for this idiot, no matter what i do. maybe its always been him that is "the one". i fear maybe ive got her head (not cheated, beat her up, not a criminal, not a scum bag crack head who will spend the rest of his life in and out of prison) but he has her heart. they were together 4.5 years by the way, we have been together 6 months.
to try for protection from him we have been to the police, but they say all they can do is wait for 3 attempts at harrasment before we can get a harrasment charge then he goes back down. if we stay where we are, the way i see it, if he finds out our address, 1 meeting with him WILL be too much. i may hospitalise him then fear repercussions, he may kill me (he has and WILL use weapons, he has the history), or if im at work and joanne isnt there anything could happen to her, my possesions etc. if i give him a sound beating, it wont end there, he will be back. if he gives me a sound beating and the mrs doesnt go back to him, it wont end there, he will be back.
im going round to see her mum again at dinner - she is unaware of this w.ends events, so maybe she will have a better idea of what to do.
i suspect 99% of people are going to tell me i should finish with her, im an idiot tho, so i probably wont. so how best do i deal with this idiot ex of hers?
award for the longest MT post of all time goes to me, surely?!
thanks to anyone who has bothered taking the hour or so to read that!