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how to deal with her "pyscho ex bf"???

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BigMe
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2007/06/13 12:14:37 (permalink)

how to deal with her "pyscho ex bf"???

serious situation ive got myself in here! and im going to look like a mug, but ive got nobody else's advice to ask as its too embarrasing to tell in its entirety to friends/family or they will end up hating my mrs!

here goes, this is a long one!!! please read tho, any advice much appreciated!

basically me and my mrs split up on tuesday last week, after a few days of texting, speaking on the phone and my going round to see her at her mums house, i asked her to go out for a meal on friday, and she said yes. as it happens we ended up getting a take away and eating in, we got talking about us and eventually i asked her if we could give it another go, and she said we could. obviously im over the moon at this point...

until that is, about 1 hour later i receive a phone call: "listen mate, you dont know who i am, but i know who you are, im gonna smash your face in, ill fcuking kill you....." another couple of minutes of a tirade of abuse.

now at 1st i thought this was a wind up - then i remember the mrs' ex bf, who is in prison, when i hear his accent, identical to my mrs' slightly manc dialect, i say to her "is this you ex?" and pass the phone over. he hangs up by the time she gets my phone.

phone rings again 5 minutes later, same guy, this time "put *mrs' name* on" to which i reply "who is this" same thing between us a few times, then i pass the phone over (im still not sure at this point that it is him, altho its quite obvious looking back, and perhaps i should have denied all knowledge of knowing the mrs) so he speaks to her asking "what you doing" and she hang up on him and confirms it is her ex.

she then bursts into tears and doesnt stop crying all night saying how shocked she is he has managed to track down my phone number, saying he will never leave her alone and let her be happy etc and crucially she mentions he will stir things up between me and her and cause us to split up again! she suggests we move away and i tell her id do anything to keep her safe.

bit of background on her ex, and why we should fear the idiot. he has been inside 2x both for violent crimes including bottling somebody on a night out. he has a criminal record as long as my arm. he has beaten the mrs up several times before, once pushing her down a flight of stairs. he has also cheated on her 5x to her knowledge - yet she has ALWAYS taken him back... and here is where the plot thickens further, and i look like the biggest mug in the world!

along with the phone calls the night before, i received a few texts. the 1st one threatening "...she is the love of my life, if you think im going to sit back and watch you be with her you are in for a big shock. see you soon."

but also then i think he is trying to play mind games - he texts saying "ring me and ill tell you everything" then next a text which looks like it was sent to him by my mrs, but upon questioning her she assures me it wasnt her which wrote the text. i take her word for it, i have no reason not too.

well, the next day, along come the revalations!!

turns out she has actually been speaking and texting him since we split on the tuesday. worse, she has been telling him she still loves him, misses him etc. APPARENTLY there was no talk of a reconcilliation. but the text he sent me which was in fact from her to him, was iirc "im leaving my phone here so adam doesnt take it (its my actual phone, i pay for it etc, gave it her so she had a new phone/number so he couldnt contact her) so dont panic im collecting my stuff from adams, i love you so much, ill ring you when im bk, i love you ste x"... WORSE STILL - she wrote this text while i was waiting for her to come out for a meal with me on the friday in the lounge in her mums house, while she was writing this to him in her mums bedroom!

well, ive never been so heart broken and hurt in my life as when she owned up to having sent that to him. she tells me she just really cares for him and she only texted she loves him cos he likes to hear that etc.

further to this, when she left on the tuesday i was speaking to her mum and she tells me her d1ckhead ex is due out in 5 weeks, and my mrs knew about this! she hadnt told me tho! as far as i knew he was still due out in november. why did my mrs keep this info from me? she had known for about 10 days and said nothing. both her mum and my initial thoughts were she had split with me to be with him. i said to her mum, if she got back with me, obviously she didnt want to be with him, but if she stayed split with me its obviously him she wanted. incidentally her mum lives round the corner from his mum, where he will live when he comes out! if she moved back to her mums there would be no escaping him!

anyhoo, cue tears from her, tears from me and her begging me to let her stay etc. i told her the best i could possibly think of this situation was that a) she wasnt actually with me when she talked to him, b) she could go there and then to be with him, but wouldnt leave c) she had at least told the truth (eventually) d) she was absolutely inconsolable about events the night before with the phone calls and the day after with the revalations of speaking to him e) also she wants to move away with me, cut off all their mutual contacts (i.e anyone, all her friends that live in the area and might get her new number/address wont be allowed it). best i can hope for is that she does still actually love him, and got emotional to speak to him again, but that she loves me more and will do anything to be with me and make it right (which is what she says she will do)

however, as we talk i also find out "nobody knows me better than him, ive always gone to him with my problems".. so then if i still went away with her, whats to stop this happening again?

basically i know i should probably finish with her for what she has done, she has riled him up even more now all of a sudden giving her number to him, saying she loves him etc, then trying to cut him completely out again. she really has put us in even more danger than we were before (i always thought he would come looking for her, so did her mum, it was just my delightfully niave mrs that thought he wouldnt)

im willing to give up the life i know and love to run away with her, something i really dont want to do, but i believe she does want to be with me, and i love her above anything else and i want to be with her. i feel we need to move away to protect her, and myself, my property etc. but i also fear maybe she is running away from her true feelings, and that she will always have a soft spot for this idiot, no matter what i do. maybe its always been him that is "the one". i fear maybe ive got her head (not cheated, beat her up, not a criminal, not a scum bag crack head who will spend the rest of his life in and out of prison) but he has her heart. they were together 4.5 years by the way, we have been together 6 months.

to try for protection from him we have been to the police, but they say all they can do is wait for 3 attempts at harrasment before we can get a harrasment charge then he goes back down. if we stay where we are, the way i see it, if he finds out our address, 1 meeting with him WILL be too much. i may hospitalise him then fear repercussions, he may kill me (he has and WILL use weapons, he has the history), or if im at work and joanne isnt there anything could happen to her, my possesions etc. if i give him a sound beating, it wont end there, he will be back. if he gives me a sound beating and the mrs doesnt go back to him, it wont end there, he will be back.

im going round to see her mum again at dinner - she is unaware of this w.ends events, so maybe she will have a better idea of what to do.

i suspect 99% of people are going to tell me i should finish with her, im an idiot tho, so i probably wont. so how best do i deal with this idiot ex of hers?

award for the longest MT post of all time goes to me, surely?!

thanks to anyone who has bothered taking the hour or so to read that!
#1

103 Replies Related Threads

    Red Man
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    RE: how to deal with her "pyscho ex bf"??? 2007/06/13 12:22:41 (permalink)
    Ill get this in first before all the love children come out saying go for a drink with the ex and try and sort it out...

    Sorry mate but you really should end this, at the end of the day, whether its in 5 weeks or 5 years she will more than likely go back to him. There is also nothing you can do to get rid of this bloke either, the police wont bother him as he's already done bird twice so i cant see that worrying him tbh.

    Hard as hell mate but its better to walk away sometimes.

    "You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on." Dean Martin

    #2
    Faux Real
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    RE: how to deal with her "pyscho ex bf"??? 2007/06/13 12:23:32 (permalink)
    You've got to walk dude.

    Its one thing to deal with a psycho ex but when your mrs is winding him up and encouraging him your in trouble.
    post edited by [Joe] - 2007/06/13 12:25:34
    #3
    Tubbs
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    RE: how to deal with her "pyscho ex bf"??? 2007/06/13 12:23:51 (permalink)
    As you say mate, most people (including me) are going to say she isn't worth it.

    The only way you could deal with him (if you're right and it will keep happening) would be to move away. But will she tell him again? In which case it won't work obviously.

    Apart from that, not sure on the legal directions you could take I'm afraid. Maybe someone else can help with that.

    armo vestri, nemo alius mos servo vos

    "You'll have to do better than that Jeremy"
    "Don't patronise me!"
    #4
    CASS
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    RE: how to deal with her "pyscho ex bf"??? 2007/06/13 12:23:59 (permalink)
    im not going to tell you to finish with her because she clearly means a lot to you plus its easy for people to say finish this finish that bujt when its you in the middle its never so clear cut.

    what i want to point out is and this really pissed me off, regarding the harrassment and needing three counts, thats incorrect, you actually have enough now to start a complaint of harrassment. most will want 2 counts to show harrassment but actually 1 count can be enough, certainly not wanting for three. i think they have let you down here.

    if you want advice on that please e-mail me rather than putting it directly on here.
    #5
    Dobos
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    RE: how to deal with her "pyscho ex bf"??? 2007/06/13 12:25:39 (permalink)
    I split with the girlfriend this weekend. It's a load of **** but time is a healer. This guy is crazy, and if she isn't devoting herself totally to you, then i'm afraid she'll always have him in some part of her mind. It's horrible because i'm having a **** time, but sometimes it's better to be without them in the long run.

    Edit - What were the reasons why you split in the first place? I know my ex would peobably get back with me if i asked her because she's hurting too but i have to keep reminding myself that it ended for legit reasons and that even if they don't seem bad now, it's only because i'm hurting and want her back.
    post edited by Dobos - 2007/06/13 12:30:23
    #6
    Richie_Allen
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    RE: how to deal with her "pyscho ex bf"??? 2007/06/13 12:26:33 (permalink)
    KICK HER TO THE KIRB...........
    #7
    matt 1b
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    RE: how to deal with her "pyscho ex bf"??? 2007/06/13 12:32:18 (permalink)
    THere is only one answer mate............. walk away! Your worth more than all this pissing about!

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    #8
    Red Man
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    RE: how to deal with her "pyscho ex bf"??? 2007/06/13 12:33:18 (permalink)

    ORIGINAL: Richie_Allen

    KICK HER TO THE KIRB...........


    Thats hardly gonna help the guy is it?

    "You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on." Dean Martin

    #9
    Big Giannie
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    RE: how to deal with her "pyscho ex bf"??? 2007/06/13 12:34:31 (permalink)
    Finish with her mate!

    Or if you are stupid enough to stay with her then dont Run away. If she wants to be with you then you shouldnt need to hide.
    If her ex gets violent with you then grass him in and he will get anther 5 years. Then you wont need to worry about her getting back to him till he gets out next time.


    Just let it go mate. She obviously wants her cake and eat it. And never run and hide! !
    #10
    matt_1972
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    RE: how to deal with her "pyscho ex bf"??? 2007/06/13 12:35:47 (permalink)
    I think by posting on here you know that you ought to walk away from it and just need other opinions to confirm your own. I think you need to be clear about something with this which is...It will Never work out.

    Do yourself a favour and find somebody with higher self esteem and who is not likely to be upto no good behind your back.
    #11
    Big Giannie
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    RE: how to deal with her "pyscho ex bf"??? 2007/06/13 12:38:29 (permalink)
    Ditch the bitch!!!!!!!!!!
    #12
    dig
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    RE: how to deal with her "pyscho ex bf"??? 2007/06/13 12:39:57 (permalink)
    how the fck did the ex get your house and mobile number in jail?

    i can see you love this girl mate, but imo you are being blinded by your love for her. i seriously wouldnt give up everything and move away with her, it really isnt worth the risk.

    i do know where you are coming from tho, my fiance was involved with a guy that ende up in jail, i kind of stole her, and he initially went crazy, although not to the extent of your story, he threatened every one that knew my fiance thta he was going to kill her and me, lol- i would of flattened the wee f8cker if he had tried anything, but inever met him and he soon disappeared.
    #13
    DEAD_WEIGHT
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    RE: how to deal with her "pyscho ex bf"??? 2007/06/13 12:40:25 (permalink)
    Mate this sounds like it is screwing your head up big time.

    For me i would say to her its too late look at what she has done already. Lied to you about texts being sent and contacting her ex. Keeping information about when he is due out which in my mind means she has been in contact with him for a while to find this out.

    Sorry i would say to her bye bye as you can not trust a lier in a relationship and this would cause serious arguments in the future and you will always be thinking "is she speaking to him again" checking her phone etc etc

    I would walk mate thats what i would do

    Also remember this bloke cant do sh!t to you, just come out of prison if he evan touches you he would be straight back.
    #14
    Big Giannie
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    RE: how to deal with her "pyscho ex bf"??? 2007/06/13 12:42:24 (permalink)
    Why not wait till he gets freed from jail. You go to the local bar and bottle someone.
    Then you will get jail time and when your time is almost up she will text you. Then he will know how it feels!!!!!

    Try the shoe on the other foot!

    Just jokeing mate best to let it go.
    Good luck!
    #15
    Dobos
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    RE: how to deal with her "pyscho ex bf"??? 2007/06/13 12:42:30 (permalink)

    ORIGINAL: Mikewats

    go into a limo fake an explosion, he thinks ur out of the picture, return a week later and hit him with a steel chair. Its the only way


    I've just read that too lol.
    #16
    thesundancekid
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    RE: how to deal with her "pyscho ex bf"??? 2007/06/13 12:44:04 (permalink)
    mate, this is terrible but you have to end it. She has shown you she still feels for this mug so I'd walk before he gets out. Not because I would fear someone who would use a bottle as a weapon or beats on woman, I would fear getting hurt further when she starts seeing him and trying to lead you on at the same time. It sounds hard but she has already breached your trust and it looks like it won't stop at communicating via the phone when he gets out. I think you know deep down you have to break it off!
    #17
    shed
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    RE: how to deal with her "pyscho ex bf"??? 2007/06/13 12:44:13 (permalink)
    Ah, sounds like a tough dilema you've got yourself into. Be honest to yourself and ask

    Do I love her enough to relocate to a different area?
    Feelings aside, do I trust her enough to not comunicate with this ex if we go?
    Do I trust her at all?
    Can I be happier with someone else?
    Do I really want all this baggage that will always be around for years to come?

    I wouldn't listen to other peoples personal decissions on what to do. You have to dig deep within yourself to decide if this is what you realy want. You got to be truthful and brutally honest with yourself. Think about what you want for the future in years to come. If you decide 'okay let do it, we'll go from here', you and her must give it 100% with zero doubts. Any doubt in your mind and it will probably fail.

    I would keep your wits about you with this psycho of an ex, and let the police know the situation in case it boils over into deeper stuff.

    Good luck in deciding what you want to do.
    #18
    john_cappa
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    RE: how to deal with her "pyscho ex bf"??? 2007/06/13 12:47:05 (permalink)
    tough one! dont forget your only with her 6 months thats nothing! they were together 4.5 years which is still a relatively small length of time but they have a lot of history! how long before they split did you get with her?? why did they split was it just because he wemt to prison?

    Not to be cruel but was she on the rebound?

    Hope it works out
    #19
    SatansJester
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    RE: how to deal with her "pyscho ex bf"??? 2007/06/13 12:47:32 (permalink)
    Mate,
    I have tried to put myself in your shoes here as I do when trying to help with my opinion on these things.

    All I can say is that I love my girlfriend more than anyting or anyone else in the world and more than I thought it was possible to care for someone so if I was in you situation I ask myself this..

    1, Would I risk taking a severe kicking/harassement/hospitalisation/police charges/war on my doorstep for her? Yes, Definately

    2, Would I take all this flak and trouble for her knowing the involvement she had in it and the fact that she had excacerbated it all and even worse for me, telling him she still loves him? No way

    As much as I want you to be with the girl you love I dont think she loves you back the same judging from her actions and will break your heart in ways that you will find it hard to recover from if you commit to her and run away.

    Worse still, deep, deep down inside you mate, you know this too.

    "Not all men are B@stards"

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